Wednesday, January 9, 2008

"Parenting by the Book"

I'm reading a book called "Parenting by the Book" by John Rosemond 'the book' meaning the Bible. It is really good, although I must admit that this is probably the first parenting book that I've started reading and honestly think I will finish it. It talks about how starting in the 50s or so the place to go to for advice changed. So instead of asking 'Grandma' you asked a Psychologist or as Rosemond calls them, people with letters behind their name. It goes on to talk about the theories of postmodern psychology and what he calls PPP Postmodern Psychological Parenting. What has stood out the most to me so far is his discussion on high self-esteem. The most popular theory currently (at least in the US) is that you need to make sure your kids have high self-esteem (HSE). So now the goal is HSE; it used to be to raise a good citizen. What this means that instead of spending time teaching your child good manners at a very early age, we are trying to make sure our kids know their letters and colors and numbers as soon as possible. We want them to have a head start in kindergarten. They need to be good at something in order to succeed and feel good about themselves. Instead of kids coming home from school and doing chores for the family they are involved in a multitude of after school activities. Mostly with the idea to teach them skills, make them feel good about themselves and to excel at something. Rosemond breaks down HSE esteem a synonym for worship basically worshiping one's self highly. I can think of a lot of words that description brings to mind and none of them are positive. We need self-respect not self-esteem. HSE makes us think we deserve a lot of stuff, after all we are super important and from the time we were little people (parents) have been bending over backwards to make sure we are happy and successful. The affects of HSE can be seen just about everywhere you are around people of my generation. We don't think we have to work very hard, we deserve a good paying job with a nice and laid back boss.

So while 'Grandma' is teaching her children good manners and how to help around the house, the PPP parents are buying their toddlers all sorts of teaching toys and then every after school activity they can. 'Grandma' teaches 3 things Respect, Responsibility and Resourcefulness. Now say you are a teacher or a manager looking for a team member would you choose the kid of average intelligence, that respects your authority, is a good worker and resourceful or would you choose the genius who has won several awards in your field but has a bad attitude (remember this will probably make him late for work half of the time).

Through all of these I've come to realize how wonderful my parents are. They did an amazing job of teaching me the 3 R's Respect (for everyone), Responsibility, and Resourcefulness. It also makes me realize that I too have fallen prey to the PPP. I have gauged my worth as a parent on the skills of my child, I've been proud when people think Peter's adorable and felt like a bad parent when he misbehaves in the grocery store.

Now I have to act and really the first thing to do is realize that parenting is a equally joint task and before making important or even not so important decisions about Peter and discipline and such I need to remember Zack and i are in this together and only together can we be the best parents we can be.

Secondly how do I pass on these 3 R's to Peter.

Thirdly how to I share these ideas with other parents and parents-to-be and caretakers and and and the list goes on.

And now I must go to bed as my eyes are beginning to blur and my eye lids to droop.
I'm out