Sage and Cinnamon

Grief

2010-05-25T11:40:00.000-07:00

One thing I have learned and am continually surprised by is that grief comes in unexpected times, unexpected ways and unexpected intensity. It has been over 7 years since my sister Erin died and yet last night I was crying as if it was just last week. To back up a bit I've been thinking about Erin more than usual lately. And then a cousin of mine recently got married. She and my sister had become friends after the cousin moved to Douglas. They were only a year apart in school. It seems so weird to me that my cousin is old enough to be getting married. That is partly because I don't see my cousins very often anymore, maybe once a year. But the bigger part is that my sister was 19 when she died. She will always be 19 to me and consequently my cousin should be younger than that. And not old enough to get married. My sister will never get married, never meet my children, never be there on Christmas morning and the list goes on.

But I know that grief is a process and I don't expect to ever stop missing my sister and so it must be a life long process.

Last night one thing I was remembering is how fun it could be to fight with her. It's not fun to fight with my old sister or brother, but it was fun to fight with Erin. It might be that we were closer in age and shared a room for so long; I'm not sure why. We would get mad but it wouldn't be long before we were laughing and hugging. And fights at night always ended with a game of thumb war me hanging my arm down from the top bunk and her reaching up. Thumb war is more fun in the dark when you can't see or aren't looking.

The other thing I've learned about grief is that you can hold it in (sometimes), but eventually it will all come out anyway (and it might be uglier if you hold it in) so its best to let yourself grieve naturally when your heart says to.

Reduction in Force take 2

2010-05-05T19:54:00.000-07:00

So back in May of 2008 my Data Quality Team and myself were let go from Corbis. And because we were temps we didn't get any notice. It was a Thursday, May 1 to be exact. I came back on Friday to wrap things up as much as possible. It was not a shock that they didn't keep the team, but it was a shock that they didn't keep me and that we didn't get any notice. Fast forward 2 years minus 1 day to April 30th, last friday. I had an 8 am meeting that my boss told me about on Thursday afternoon. When I got to his office we immediately went to his bosses office. (UhOhh this can't be good I'm thinking). And it wasn't really. Due to lack of revenue the advertising department cut 4 jobs; mine being one of them. I worked at Corbis for almost 2 years and my team/position got eliminated. I have worked at The Times for almost 2 years and what do ya know my job/position got eliminated again. Although this time with 5 weeks notice and 2 weeks severance.

Now there is plenty of back story to how I took this news I'll try to make a long story as short.

I'd been looking for another job on and off for the past 6-9 months, the last 3 were focused around finding a nanny job. Between my health being less than helpful and not finding another familly to nanny for I decided the nanny thing wouldn't work. Soon after that I gave up on the elimination diet and my stress level dropped in some other ways also and consequently my health has been some better. Now about 3 weeks ago I decided I was going to give my current job 100% and stick with it. And I decided to start a sewing business on the side with the goal of building up my clientele so that at some point I could do full time sewing and maybe have a second child.

Also 4 weeks ago or so I was having a really hard time spiritually and emotionally. But after lots of time talking to God I've surrendered more to Him and am doing lots better. Our Fruit of the Spirit sermon series at church was very helpful also.

So when I they told me about my job and last day... I was totally ok. God has something more/differnt in store, thats the first thing I thought. And I'm 99% sure part of it is a sewing business. Now I'm not dwelling or at least trying/prayer hard not too dwell on the money issue. I'm just trusting God has a plan.

So need any pants hemmed? Or clothing altered?

Playing "kitchen" at the supper table

2009-09-30T20:41:00.001-07:00

So Peter and I were eating supper (dinner) tonight just the two of us and the conversation went something like this...
Peter- "how about we play a game while we are eating."
Mom-"um..."
Peter-"let's play kitchen you be the cooker and I will sit and the table and be the taster. You have 2 minutes now go"
Mom-"two minutes that not very long"
Peter-"oh you already made it" (and he takes a bite of the chicken soup/stew),
Peter-"and the winner is" and then he pauses for a min points his finger right at me and says "pack your bags and leave"
A bit later in the meal I've added cottage cheese to his plate and he tries some together with the stew. After some contemplation on his part he says. "Kinda good, needs a little sugar, to make it more flavor" And then he proceeds to mix every part of the meal together including the bread with jelly on it with the cottage cheese and stew. He didn't like it the first try but gave it another shot.

I was highly amused by the whole thing. What can I say I think I've bore a food critic. Or he's just watched a lot of the food network. (and can get upset if you turn it off in the middle of some show with judges and winners.)

Give Me Jesus

2009-08-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

There are times (like today) that I need to just sit and soak up this song. Just rest in the words and really think about what it means. Whatever happens, whatever I have or don't have, whatever I want; I have all I need in Jesus. He is more than enough for me.

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I am alone,
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.

You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

I'm all grown up, now what should I do

2009-05-08T22:01:00.000-07:00

I went to college with my major chosen and my career in mind; psychology and counselor (because I wanted to help people). But after taking a few psych courses, I remember thinking "how can they just leave God and religion out of the picture." It was all about dissecting and labeling the person, the disorder, the syndrome and nothing about the environment and culture that surrounded them. My second year in college I took a sociology class on social deviance. Between loving that class and the professor (who later became my advisor) and hating my psych stats class I switched from Psychology to Sociology. Sociology is awesome. In my mind its almost the opposite of why I hated my psych classes. Sociology studies culture and society and its affects on individuals. Religion, faith, belief in God has validity in sociology and I didn't feel that in psych. (A quick side note: I have no problem with Christians in psychology or any associated field. It just wasn't right for me in college.)

So after changing my major and giving up on my math minor I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Comparative Sociology. But before I did that I got married and had Peter. Well so now I had my career being a wife and mom. But then I had to get a job while Zack went to school. What kind of job do you get with a bachelors in Sociology?? (Still not sure about that one.)

I ended up at Corbis in data quality. I like data quality, have a small passion for it I would say, but is that really what I'm supposed to be doing? I have no doubt God meant me to be at Corbis or rather meant me to be friends with Debi, but I'm not sure if learning about data quality was an added benefit or part of the purpose of me being there. I was also in charge of a team of 7 people there and found fulfillment in leading and managing a team.

Well so now I'm working in a data quality job but instead of being excited about finding dirty data and cleaning it up I'm bored and miserable. If it weren't for my awesome boss and my loyalty to him I would have found a new job awhile ago or at least tried really hard. And the commute doesn't help.

So most of this reflection comes out of wanting a different job but having NO IDEA what kind of job I should look for or try to get. I've had several people say you should do want you really want to especially if you have a job and can look for the 'right' one. Well I do have dreams of what I would like to do but most of them aren't practical and the question always looms, would I really like that? Or more currently could I make enough money doing that? So here are some of my dreams...

I think it would be fun to teach people how to cook. Just simple but not dull meals. And in teaching them that I would convince them that eating dinner with their family at the table without the TV on is one of the best things they can do for their family.

I would love to have a working ranch close by where I could take in homeless people and give them purpose and a job to do. (by the way the theory that people are supposed to work and produce something is a Marxist theory although it originated with God)

Or I could help couples plan their wedding and make it less stressful and then decorate their cake for them.
Or be a potter who makes functional yet abstract ceramic ware.
Or someone who teaches abused women and children life skills and helps them make a new start.
Or become a doula.
A few more practical ideas I've had are massage therapist, hair stylist, cafe/coffee shop manager.

It'd be easier if I had just one or two ideas. What do I want to do? Well I want to help people. I guess thats one id...no its not an idea its an action or end result! I need the how, the who, and the doing what. If only I didn't have to be so practical!

where the spirit of the Lord is

2009-04-29T20:46:00.001-07:00

there is freedom

Bad News

2009-02-09T21:57:00.000-08:00

I didn't used to read, or listen to, or watch the news at all. It was too sad. Since I started working at The Seattle Times I've been reading the news a lot. It was fun to become more informed politically before the election. But now it seems all the news is bad. And I'm not talking about all of the lay offs. Yes thats bad but its not the end of a persons life. Now every day I open up seattletimes.com and look for the next tragedy. The day I read about the father in California who killed first his kids and wife and then himself, I thought, I can't do this anymore. I can't continue to read these stories about people's lives ending without it breaking my heart and making me cry. But I also realized something positive. When I hurt for someone I don't know the only thing I can do to help is to pray. I have made it a habit to pray for the people involved whenever I hear a ambulance. Now I want to make it a habit to pray for all the families and friends of the lost lives I read about in the news. I know that the death and crime rates are only going to get worse the longer the economy sinks. And when I think about that I wonder how many more lives will be taken knowing many of us have very little experience with death, especially of someone close to us. Instead of numbers and curves and patterns I want to make this economic downturn God's moment. He is the only one that can shine light in the darkest of places. He alone can lift us from the murky shadows of depression and hopelessness. We might lose our job, our house, our car, our child, our mom; but we will never loose Him because He is holding on to us. I want to take this moment and remember I have hope to share. Hope to share with those I know and prayer for those I only read about.

Honest talk

2009-01-31T23:06:00.000-08:00

(Make sure you've read the previous post before you read this one.)

A few weeks ago I hit bottom. I will suffice it to say that it involved a moment, as I was walking to the bus stop, where I fully realized how anger riddled I really was. This was followed by a emotional, honest conversation with my husband. The outcome--my understanding and acknowledging that I absolutely had to deal with my anger. This was a big step.

The time between that night and this past week are a little foggy when it comes to how I was doing with the 'dealing with my anger' but I know that God was working on me.

I have been praying a lot this past week. I am starting to take charge of some prayer stuff at church and that has led me to pray more, (go figure). Bit my prayer life has been in a rut. I have been praying (not as often as I'd like) but it has had a wooden quality to it. I felt like I was praying the right things or in the right way but not connecting to God. (Yes that would be the big wall of anger.) A lot of it had to do with me not getting what I wanted, and firmly believing that what I wanted was biblically correct. So to make the point clear it seemed like I was angry at a few people and some circumstances but really I was angry at God. Please God forgive me for my sin for I have been angry at you and my life that you gave me.

So this week I have been reading a devotional called "15 minutes with God" or something like that, reading the associated scripture and praying. A good chunk of my prayers have been for my church Veritas and for our service tomorrow. I have been having conversations with a good friend about how we should pray, for what, how much...that sort of thing. And my response was pray. You can pray for what you think would be good to happen but for the most part pray for God's will to happen. Now I think this is fine to do but I had forgotten some of the other ways to pray. Then I had coffee with a wonderful friend on Tuesday. I'm not sure I can completely explain the next steps in my journey but I'll try.

I was sharing somethings that are close to my heart with her and she asked me a question. She said, "Do you ever just pray for what you want or do you always just pray for God's will to be done." and my response was, "me personally, do I pray for what I want?" And the answer was, I have in the past but not recently. God knows what I want but I think I was trying to keep it hidden.

So I did. On Thursday I poured my heart out to God. I told him what I wanted and I asked Him for what I wanted. And then I felt peace, not because I'd gotten what I wanted but because I'd told someone,I'd told God what I wanted. And then it was ok. I know He might say no, but I'm ok with that.

Nothing is magically better in my life and really not much has changed around me but I've changed. I've made a choice. I can be angry and bummed about my life. Or I can be thankful and content with my life. Now that I've told God what I want I've let it go. This is my life right here, right now and dang it I want to have fun.

So this is it. The day I'm starting afresh. Renewed in spirit and mind and heart. Making the choice; I'm gonna live my life.

catching up

2009-01-31T22:27:00.000-08:00

Well so I have a lot to catch up on. I have a post I want to make but to put it into the proper perspective a little scene setting is needed. Warning the scene is not so pretty.

I haven't been too happy or joyful for a while now; just not happy with my life, wanting more but not exactly sure what or how to get it. And to be completely honest not just unhappy but angry. I don't like to be angry maybe nobody does, but its especially bad when I take my anger out on the people I love the most. That's call sin. And its still sin even when I'm tired or stressed or tired and stressed. No matter how I feel, taking my anger out on someone else (unless its righteous clearing the temple anger) is wrong and requires repentance and forgiveness.

Anger gets in the way of A LOT of things. The biggest thing it gets in the way of is my relationship with Jesus. It like when I'm angry and I want to get close to God I have rope him like I would a steer, only I don't have a horse to ride and I don't really know how to throw the rope. Not much gets through the anger, especially not my heart and soul.

Now a while back I posted about being thankful and I mentioned a song "Chicken Fried." Well tonight I went to see the Zac Brown Band and they sing that song. As I was at the concert some of the last pieces came together for me. Post concert at my computer is where the next post begins.

HOUSE

2008-11-20T22:30:00.000-08:00

So those of you who know me know I don't really watch TV. However there is one show that I stayed up late 2 nights in a row watching. When Zack is watching CSI and I know I should be in bed about half of the time I can convince myself to go to bed. But not with HOUSE. I love House. I knew I should be in bed but not for a minute did I think about actually going to bed. House is on afterall and once I've seen the first 3 minutes I'm hooked. (unless of course I've seen the episode).

I know House is mean and rude and arrogant, but he has these moments where he is so compassionate and giving of himself. I am not sure what else draws me to him but he does. And I am a sucker for a saves the day kinda guy. And underdogs too. I think House could be considered an underdog.

Thankful

2008-11-13T21:10:00.000-08:00

One night in the car as Peter and I were heading to small group we had a conversation about being thankful and what we were thankful for. Peter when asked what he was thankful has several times given thanks for body parts: toes, nose, foot. When adults are asked what they are thankful for I think we are conditioned to say certain things; house, job, family, etc. But sometimes we aren't thankful for those things we just know we should be. I'm thankful for coffee and for flexible hours at work so I can sleep in some mornings. I'm thankful for the rain, so that when the sun shines I think of God.

I want to be thankful more. Not thankful for things I 'should' be (although thats important) but thankful for the things that no one notices or that go unthanked. My husband leaving my lamp on when he goes to bed before me. My son wanting 1 last hug and kiss before I go out the door. I heard on the radio today that its the little things that matter--actually I think it might have been a sound that got me thinking. Check out "Chicken Fried" by Zac Brown Band.

And its true but what is also true for me is that I get so caught up in the big picture that I hardly ever enjoy the small things. They are just more details for me to remember or more things to go wrong.

And all of this, these and those....they are stealing my joy and dang it I want it back. But like most things in life I must fight for it. Fight against the worry and the stress. And I must focus on the present. I'm not sure where my dreams fit in all this because I do have dreams--big ones. But it can't be all about the dreams. Cause then I'm just a dreamer.

Isaiah 6:8
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me."

I want to be someone who is sent (and goes) not a dreamer.

I love

2008-10-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

The feel of clean sheets the first night you sleep in them
When Peter is so happy he jumps up and down
Loading the dishwasher with as much dishes as I can and using the water saver setting--sooo much better than washing them myself
How my husband makes breakfast almost every Saturday
Our church family
Crisp cool sunshine on an Autumn day
The color purple
Clean folded laundry
Pictures of Peter

making a difference...

2008-09-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

I want to make a difference. There is this desire in me to help people. To help them work through problems, to listen to them, to encourage them, to share in their pain. I've had this desire for a long time. When I went to college I started out in psychology so that I could be a counselor and help people. I ended up in data quality, where I find problems in the data and make it better. I fix things, I solve the puzzle as to why and how the data is being corrupted. Don't get me wrong this can be fun and satifying, but I want to be working with people not numbers.

I have multiple ideas for working with people but none of them seem realistic or doable.

At the end of the day when I look at the big picture I want to know that what I did made a difference...

in someone's life and in God's kingdom.

Things I've forgotten

2008-08-25T17:49:00.000-07:00

I was walking to the bus stop this afternoon dog dead tired and I saw up ahead of me a stroller. I was thinking cool I'll get to see a cute baby/kid. As I was walking up I saw that the stroller was empty and then I recalled seeing the mom grabbing a blanket from her bag while I was still some distance away. It turns out the baby was hungry. Its been quite a while since I have heard the distintive sounds of a hungry baby happy to be getting fed. It was such a beautiful sound. I heard the wonders of life in less than thirty seconds. And not only did it make me smile with joy it made the rest of the walk to the bus stop easier.

Certainly

2008-08-03T20:32:00.000-07:00

July 31^st 2008
Elizabeth Ann Reed

Certainly she said
And why not?
It’s not as if I shouldn’t,
It’s my life
And I’m writing my own story.

And since I’m writing it
You can be sure
Things will work out as they should

And for years she writes……

Certainly God said
You’ve tried to do it on your own
You’ve given it your best shot
But the problem is
I gave you your life
And I’ve already written your story

I’m certain you’re right God…

My life—its not my own:
It belongs to you
You who have carried me
Since I was born
You guided my heart in the storm
To the place where you knew
I would see you.
And then you brought the rain to an end,
But the sun was only shining on you
It was then that I knew
It was not only my life
That belonged to you.

Here is my heart Lord
And here is my soul
My body and my mind
I give them to you.
Show me how to follow you
Because certainly Lord—
I need you.

Certainly she said;
Lord I need you.

It's been awhile

2008-07-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

Life's been just a wee bit busy since I started my new job. I've had the normal adjusting to a new job stuff. Plus one of our cars started dying and so I spent several evenings and weekends trying to fix it. All to no avail. So I've been riding a different bus to work and consequently working slightly different hours than I originally wanted to. It all boils down to the fact that I wasn't getting home until 5:30ish which just makes my evening really short. And that doesn't give me enough time to spend with Peter or my hubby or do any sort of stuff around the house which just leads to stress and an unhappy family. Now on to the good stuff.

Zack Peter and I went on vacation starting Jun 27th. First we went to Winnemucca NV for Zack's 10 year HS class reunion and he got to show me around his hometown and we went to his old church. Then we got back on the road and headed to the ranch. I got in to drive in Elko, NV at about 4ish I think and we arrived at the ranch 5:30 am the next morning me still driving. We made 1 stop in Salt Lake City to do some shopping and stretch our legs. We spent Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday at the ranch and then on Thursday we gathered up to go to the family cabin in the mountains. We had a great time in the mountains. I had forgotted how nice it was to be there. No electricity and no cell phone service and no running water. We had a camp fire that was cleverly created by my brother so that it wasn't an open fire. Then we went on walks and climbed rocks and had a picnic the next day.

It has been quite a while since I have been to the mountains for overnight and was in good enough shape to climb rocks without much problem (this is because I walk about a mile a day round trip to and from the bus). I got to show Zack the memorial rock we have up there for my sister. In that way it was a really hard trip to the mountains. I missed Erin a lot. She was my rock climbing partner and the person I've spent the most amount of time with in the mountains. Plus she loved them so much its still hard to cope with not ever being there with her again.

We left for home/washington on Saturday morning and on the way stopped to see my 'adopted' sister, husband and their new baby. All in all is was great to be able to take both Zack and Peter with me to the ranch in the summer and have my family all in one place.

Through all of this God continues to stretch me and teach me and above all love me and cover me with His grace. And as hard as life seems to be at times I can't imagine doing it without Him.

for His glory

gainfully employed

2008-06-05T21:36:00.000-07:00

last wednesday I found a job opening at 'The Seattle Times.' I was so excited when I read the job description because it sounded almost perfect. I had been job searching online for about a month and had found only 1 other job that was 'data qualityesque.' This was when I didn't have my resume updated yet and couldn't apply. I spent almost all day Thursday (no kidding) writing a cover letter to apply for this job. My future supervisor called me on Friday (one day later) excited about my resume and experience. I was even more excited then he to get an interview and have some be excited about my resume. I went to the job interview on Monday...thought it went ok but I wasn't super great. Applied for another job through my staffing agency on tuesday and they were interested in me also but the job was in Bellevue which is a nasty commute and my vacation plans didn't mesh with the owners vacation plans.

I had sent my future supervisor a thank you email on tuesday night. He was waiting to hear back from my references on thursday morning. On thursday morning my staffing agency called me again...and this time she had a job she would have just given me, no interview but I was waiting on The Times. Brian (my future supervisor) called me at 12:45 today saying they thought I was a good fit for the job and if I was still interested they'd like to make an offer. Hallelujah Praise God I was so excited and ran through the apartment jumping and screaming. I quickly got ready to go to Seattle. Brian told me some more stuff showed me what they could pay me...asked me if I needed to think about it...I didn't. So I said yes and then we went to see the recruiter to get info about my drug/urine test. So I left Seattle to head to Auburn to make a 'donation.'

If you've never had to take a drug test for employment you should its an experience. When you sign the paper that basically says its your pee and not anything else you have to sign on a line that say 'donor.' I'm so glad I got the chance to donate some urine?

Anyway I am very excited (although i'm too tired to jump....I think i might just fall into bed at this point) so thanks for all your prayers for my job. My start date will be Monday so long as all the paper work has time to go through. My job title is Marketing Database Data Clerk Woohoo!

5 Years and learning to surrender

2008-05-22T13:56:00.000-07:00

Zack and I will celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary on Sunday. I've been thinking on it for awhile. Its amazing to me all that has happened in those 5 years and how quickly the time has gone by. When I got married I had a vision or what I thought was a vision for Zack and I's life. Our life certainly does not look like what I pictured. I'm glad it doesn't. If everything we planned or pictured happened exactly that way how boring life would be and how little we would learn.

Much of what I have learned can't be described, but one thing God has been constantly teaching me is what trusting Him means. Trusting God is in very few ways easy for me (as I'm sure is the case with most everyone). Some use the phrase 'trust God' as a single statement that covers everything. But lately I've been realizing that trusting God is very similar to surrendering to Him; in fact, I think if you surrender everything/every part of you to Him then you trust Him. I've surrendered myself to Him many times in many ways and have to continue to do so daily. After my sister died I had to learn to surrender the rest of my family to Him and trust that He knows best. After we had Peter I had to learn to surrender Peter and entrust Peter to God. It has just been fairly recently that I've learned how to surrender and surrender completely my marriage to Him and surrender my 'plans' for my family to God. I have to trust that God has a plan not only for my life but for Zack and I as a couple and for us as a family. And I have to trust that that plan is a good one; meaning it will bring Him glory even when I can't imagine my life at the moment being glorious to anyone let alone the Creator of the universe.

Only when I trust that God is working in my life, that He has a plan and is fulfilling that plan can I be content where I am at. I have to surrender my ideas and everything else to the One who knows all and who loves me and my family more than I can imagine.

My prayer is that as I continue to live my life that I would remember how beautiful my Lord really is and how today I stand in awe of Him for all that He is and all that He has done.

Job searching...

2008-05-17T06:37:00.000-07:00

Not fun. Job searching is not fun at all. Repeat this twice.

Something else that's not fun: last night Peter said, "My throat hurts, its gonna pop out, its gonna pop out." I finally translated that into....I'm going to throw-up. I was holding him on my lap reading a book and got up and carried him to the bathroom book and all. We made it to the bathroom in time although I still had a huge mess to cleanup....suffice it to say whole toilet and surrounding area is now sparkling clean.

Ex-Employee

2008-05-07T11:47:00.000-07:00

So the story begins 3 or so months ago when I learned that the project my team at Un-named Company was working on was ending/changing sooner then planned...and that it was over budget. My whole Data Quality (DQ) team (me included) were covered under this budget. So there was a few tense weeks as they decided what to do with the DQ team. They finally decided to keep us around as long as originally planned (Jun 1st). Now for a little background I was hired as a DQ temp before the project but I was moved to the project when DQ was eliminated from the business side of things...not that any of that really matters anymore.

Last Thursday I got a phone call from my supervisor and when I got to her office our HR person was also there...but I was a little slow and it took a min or so for me to get that I was losing my job. And after that, I had to go round up my team so they could be told too. Needless to say it was a shock to me. Data Quality or at least some of my job functions are necessary for the business so I never really thought they would get rid of DQ complete (read get rid of me). My team's last day was thursday. I went back on Friday to try and leave DQ in as good a place as I could so the next person could pick it up whenever they bring Data Quality back and whoever fills in in the mean time.

Some things I've learned through working for Un-named Company and leaving Un-named Company:
I love Data Quality
I'm a data geek
I'm capable of more than I thought I was
I can manage a team of people
I can have a professional relationship with people that are completely different from me
Working moms are still moms

Some things that I've re-learned while working at unsaid company
God is in control
Being joyful is a choice
Trusting God is a daily and sometimes hourly choice
Putting people in boxes is usually only helpful for the first 5 mins that you meet them

Purpose Driven Life

2008-05-07T11:11:00.000-07:00

Zack and I are in a small group at church and we are reading the book "Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. I'll admit that I thought my life was headed in the right direction but it turns out I still have A LOT to learn in the department. Warren asks some really good questions, but he does it in a way that I haven't gotten use to yet...meaning that its not written in the way I thought it would be. It doesn't appeal to my emotions; in fact it doesn't really appeal at all it just lays down the facts as given by God in the bible. We started reading the book 2 weeks ago tomorrow perfect timing I'd say as you'll see in my next post.

More posts to come on Purpose Driven

Born to be a drummer

2008-04-16T06:57:00.000-07:00

I'm back on a worship team
Playing my drum--a djembe (jim-bay),
Its easy to forget
How much I like being on a worship team.
I don't think its so much that I love to perform,
Because I don't like to be up on stage...
With people watching me.
But as with any human
I love to hear "that was great" or
"Thanks for playing; it sounded good"

And lately I've been thinking
(I'm) Born to be a drummer
And then this morning
I realized what I really meant
The reason I love being on a worship team so much
Why when I play
I feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do
Because I truly was--
My purpose, my reason for being
Is to worship God
Its not that I was born to be a drummer
Although I may have natural talent
God created me and
I was meant to worship Him

So thank you Lord for
Making me a drummer
For giving me the privilege
of worshiping You
May all I do
Truly praise You

EAR

"The Sacred Romance"

2008-02-14T19:17:00.000-08:00

I've just started reading The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge. The first thing they talk about is the lost life of our hearts. I'm only a chapter and a half in and already I feel like its something I've needed. I have this thing in me that wants more. I'm not sure what more looks like but I want more. I have some ideas of what I think more looks like but I'm fairly certain it is a small dream coming from my small perspective and I am waiting to see what God has in store. At the same time I know I need to be content here where I am at. Its hard though.

One of the things I'm realizing is how lonely I am. And I feel like I've had these moments where I've had potential friendship in my hands and then its gone with nothing I can do about it. And all I can think is that God keeps stripping things from me in order that I might see Him more clearly. I am on this long journey, but the road I'm walking on is muddy and my feet get stuck and I have to pause and use all my energy to pull myself out. I want to run to the finish line but there is so much to slow me down. I try to think and analyze the thoughts in my head; who is that talking? Is that me or my foolish pride or the Holy Spirit or my parents. Who is that talking? And I feel like if only I could figure it out. If only I could discern God's voice from the rest. Then maybe I wouldn't be stuck in the mud or going in circles or whatever else I'm doing. At this point the road is muddy and its rough, but I have hope. I know that God will finish what He started. That so long as I keep my head and heart looking in the right direction I'll get where I'm headed. He will be my guide and I will be his child.

Vacation

2008-02-01T20:28:00.000-08:00

Peter and I just got back Monday night from a week long vacation at my parents ranch in Wyoming. It was really great. I have not been to the ranch for that long in quite a while. We didn't have an agenda it was just time to spend with my family. The only thing missing was my husband. One of the highlights of the trip was holding and playing with my niece Hannah. She is adorable. It took her a while to warm up to me. Papa, Hannah, Peter and I were all in the feed pickup and Hannah really wanted to sit on Papa's lap. Papa was driving so there was no room for her. She finally decided my lap would do and I got to hold her :) I always knew I wanted a baby girl but never so much as when I'm around her. I know how close I am to my mom and how much fun I have with Mom that I crave a similar mother daughter relationship. I really hope that my brother and sister-in-law (and Hannah of course) can come visit us in WA soon. My sister-in-law and hubby get along well and my relationship with my brother continues to get better and better each time we get to spend time together. All in all it was a really great vacation, and a much needed one at that. I left super stressed, mostly about work and came back relaxed.

The only bad part was Peter and I's drive back to WA. My uncle gave us a car and so Peter and I took off Saturday morning planning on being in WA on Sunday night. We spent Saturday night in Missoula, Mt and after buying new windshield wipers we started out great the next day. We had only gone about 75 miles when the traffic going over the pass got slower and slower until it stopped completely. The roads were pretty slick and at least 1 semi had gotten stuck; one semi was sideways across the whole interstate. The traffic ended up being backed up about 20 miles for 5+ hours. Needless to say it was a long day and we only managed to make it about 100 miles the whole day. Everyone finally got unstuck and the traffic started moving but it wasn't long after that when I gave up on the bad roads and snow and found a McDonalds and a motel room. Added into all this were 3 tires that kinda needed replaced and 1 with very little traction left. I got stuff in the middle of the street in Kellogg MT twice. (I bought 2 need tires the next morning before I got back on the road). We finally arrived home late Monday afternoon. Peter is a super traveler. He did fantastic up until mid-day Monday but after 2 and a half days in the car I couldn't blame him for a little crabbiness.

Hooray for Friday's, praise the Lord for Saturdays and thank you Jesus for giving us a day of rest.

"Parenting by the Book"

2008-01-09T20:03:00.000-08:00

I'm reading a book called "Parenting by the Book" by John Rosemond 'the book' meaning the Bible. It is really good, although I must admit that this is probably the first parenting book that I've started reading and honestly think I will finish it. It talks about how starting in the 50s or so the place to go to for advice changed. So instead of asking 'Grandma' you asked a Psychologist or as Rosemond calls them, people with letters behind their name. It goes on to talk about the theories of postmodern psychology and what he calls PPP Postmodern Psychological Parenting. What has stood out the most to me so far is his discussion on high self-esteem. The most popular theory currently (at least in the US) is that you need to make sure your kids have high self-esteem (HSE). So now the goal is HSE; it used to be to raise a good citizen. What this means that instead of spending time teaching your child good manners at a very early age, we are trying to make sure our kids know their letters and colors and numbers as soon as possible. We want them to have a head start in kindergarten. They need to be good at something in order to succeed and feel good about themselves. Instead of kids coming home from school and doing chores for the family they are involved in a multitude of after school activities. Mostly with the idea to teach them skills, make them feel good about themselves and to excel at something. Rosemond breaks down HSE esteem a synonym for worship basically worshiping one's self highly. I can think of a lot of words that description brings to mind and none of them are positive. We need self-respect not self-esteem. HSE makes us think we deserve a lot of stuff, after all we are super important and from the time we were little people (parents) have been bending over backwards to make sure we are happy and successful. The affects of HSE can be seen just about everywhere you are around people of my generation. We don't think we have to work very hard, we deserve a good paying job with a nice and laid back boss.

So while 'Grandma' is teaching her children good manners and how to help around the house, the PPP parents are buying their toddlers all sorts of teaching toys and then every after school activity they can. 'Grandma' teaches 3 things Respect, Responsibility and Resourcefulness. Now say you are a teacher or a manager looking for a team member would you choose the kid of average intelligence, that respects your authority, is a good worker and resourceful or would you choose the genius who has won several awards in your field but has a bad attitude (remember this will probably make him late for work half of the time).

Through all of these I've come to realize how wonderful my parents are. They did an amazing job of teaching me the 3 R's Respect (for everyone), Responsibility, and Resourcefulness. It also makes me realize that I too have fallen prey to the PPP. I have gauged my worth as a parent on the skills of my child, I've been proud when people think Peter's adorable and felt like a bad parent when he misbehaves in the grocery store.

Now I have to act and really the first thing to do is realize that parenting is a equally joint task and before making important or even not so important decisions about Peter and discipline and such I need to remember Zack and i are in this together and only together can we be the best parents we can be.

Secondly how do I pass on these 3 R's to Peter.

Thirdly how to I share these ideas with other parents and parents-to-be and caretakers and and and the list goes on.

And now I must go to bed as my eyes are beginning to blur and my eye lids to droop.
I'm out

Responsible (in 4 parts)

2007-07-10T22:36:00.000-07:00

Act 1 (enter Elizabeth late at night)
So i realized tonight that i have this built in responsibleness. Doesn't matter how i feel that night or that morning when the alarm goes off. I get up and go to work. I might hit the alarm a few times but i'll go to work. I'll go and smile and be nice and friendly and sit at my desk and do my work. Now this might sound like a really good trait. But in some cases or some days it just feels like i'm being cheated (if its out of something i'm not sure). It doesn't matter how broken i feel inside or how sad or lonely or depressed i feel i still pretend or act like everything is fine, my life is great and sure everything isn't perfect but life hardly ever is right so yeah on i go being responsible, dependable and strong.

But i just don't feel that way all the time. I feel hopeless some days. Like today, today seems like a day to be happy. I had another conversation about Christianity and Christ and faith with a co-worker today, i got to read a good book, i got to spend some time with my hubby. i should be in bed sleeping contentedly not only because i'm sleep deprived but because all in all it was a good day.

My life's not horrible right now I've got some really good things going for me. I should just be happy where i'm at. But i feel like i'm living a luke warm life in a lot of ways.

Act 2 (enter battling thoughts)
So there are many warring thought within me. I'll list them for you.
1. I've supposed to be content where i am.
2. Get over it the world doesn't revolve around me.
3.Saying all this will make the people around me feel insufficient but really i don't think it has anything to do with them.
I just think its me.
4. But i'm not that special so i need get over to get over myself.

Act 3 (enter awareness of God)
And then, the solution that i know in my heart, which in the end i always come back to is there.
Christ can be my all, can be my everything but only if i let Him. And the synical part of me is like of course this is the answer. But you don't really want to take it, which is just dumb. But i'm always going in the same circle. I'm with God and walking with him on a daily basis and then i drift away. And then i get hopeless and depressed and find my way back to Him. And He accepts me and forgives me and welcomes me and comforts me. But then after a while i drift away again and then i get to the bottom of the pit and then i reach again for the light. And the cycle continues. Only i never feel like i make any head way. I've always trodding in the same path. And even though i know its not all about me--that the world is a much bigger place and i'm just a servant of God--it feels all about me. After all this cycle that i'm in where does it go; me, God, me, God, me, God, me, God. Is there every anyone else in the picture anyone i lift up or do i just drag down.

Act 4 (exit Satan)
This is a really depressing post. So i think we're done now. And i may not be a shining star but at least i'm not throwing myself a pity party any more. Ha so there Satan take that.

The End

Busy and more Busy

2007-06-20T20:39:00.000-07:00

I haven't post anything in quite a while. I don't seem to have much time to myself, even more so then before. I am now working on average 3 hours of overtime a week, which might not seem that much but when you add in the extra commute time because I leave work at a busier traffic time it adds up. Since June 4th I've trained 4 new people, one I had to let go over after only a week because it wasn't working out. Training people takes so much time and on top of training, then I have to answer questions and check their work and do my work. In a two week time I worked almost 12 hours of overtime. Needless to say the rest of my life is suffering and I need to do something to fix it.

On the plus side Zack accepted a teaching position today in Federal Way. He is super excited. And we will be moving north at the end of summer/beginning of fall. Hooray for a shorter commute time.

All in all I feel like I've been living on God's grace and hope for the future. And the highlight of my days are hugging and kissing Peter and telling him how much I love him...and being amazed at how much I absolutely adore him. And being thankful I have a husband that cooks dinner and even cleans up most days.

Poem

2007-05-02T19:49:00.000-07:00

Hiding (on my own)
May 2, 2007

I turn every direction but there is no place to hide
There is all this going on inside me that I can't escape
Everyone elses need of me--
be a leader, be a mom, be a wife
be a daughter, be a sister, be a friend
Just let me alone or let me out
Because I can't be all the those things
I can't even be me whoever that is
I get lost in all the things
And can't seem to find my way out

All the frustration and all the wanting
It just turns to anger
And then its the people closest to me that suffer
I don't have any patience and
I don't want all this emotion
Why can't I just hide
But where is that part of me
That everyone thinks is capable
Because I certainly can't find its label

And God stop pushing me where I don't want to go
I want a resolution not a reason
Cause obviously I'm good enough
Isn't everyone telling me so
In my questions is the answer
And in the answer my place to hide
Don't keep me from my Jesus
For He is where I want to be inside

He's the peace I'm not searching for
The place I am not hiding
The one I'm not asking for
Please find me, find me
Though I do not want found
I can't hide from you
Or bury what I'm feeling
Please help me with what your asking
Hiding or searching or finding
I can't do it on my own

Blessed (as a parent)

2007-04-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

Today I stayed home from work with Peter because he was pretty sick over the weekend and needed an extra day to get better. So I got to spend a good amount of time with him. He played really well by himself after breakfast while I was working on the computer trying to get set up so I could work from home...we couldn't get it set up today but will for the future. Since Peter was sick he was pretty cuddly today. And he felt well enough that he was not too crabby. I tried to put him down for a nap but that didn't work. But I got lots of hugs and kisses and he sat on my lap quite a bit. It was wonderful.

Tonight I was putting him down for bed and I realized how blessed I was. Being a parent is so unbelievable. Peter loves me so much and when I put my head on his pillow next to his he loves it. He almost always puts his arm across my neck and sometimes he will rub my cheek with his hand. Its so tender and caring. I feel so thankful that God gave me the gift of Peter and parenting. Some days I get so frustrated as a parent but I am in awe of how much I love him and how much he loves me. And not only that; God gave Zack and I a huge responsibility and he would not have given Peter to us if he did not think we were capably or worth of a childs love and life. Its inspiring to think of how much I admire and respect my parents and other parents that I know and then to think that I am one of them. I am a parent; God has given me the biggest bless in this life that I can imagine.

My prayer is that I would remember what a gift I've been given every moment of every day. That I would grow as a person in Christ and that as I do that, I pray that Peter would see Christ in me. I have nothing better to give to Peter then the love of Christ

About

2007-03-31T14:53:00.000-07:00

Today is March 31st, 2007. Zack is in Seattle at a Comic Con(vention)

with a friend. Peter is taking his nap and for the moment time is mine.
The apartment is quiet, Third Day is playing and the sun is almost shining.

Here's an update on my life. I am mostly going to leave Zack's update
out; you can check out his myspace if you don't already. I started
working for Corbis as a temp/contract employee in June 2006. Corbis
is a stock image and creative resoure company headquartered in
Downtown Seattle. Corbis is a great place to work. Its a very relaxed
atmosphere and friendly people for a big office. I commute on the bus
every weekday to Seattle. I might post on commuting but for the
moment its what is required of me and I'm ok with it on most days.

In January I became co-lead of the Data Quality Team. Starting on April
16 I will be the sole lead of the Data Quality Team. I am in charge of 4
other temps and all the projects we have. My boss is wonderful and my
co-workers/team is great too. My job is very challenging and will only
get more so in two weeks.

Peter enjoys going to daycare. He continually amazing me with how
much he can do physically (like unscrew a bottle of gatorade and screw
it back on). But more amazing is how smart he is. He is very logically
for a two year (unless he's mad of course ) He is also extremely
stubborn but I have NO idea where he got that )

Currently my life is very busy between my commuting and Zack's student
teaching and being a Mom there is almost no time left. My life has been
very challenging. I have learned much about priorities and about
everything that I take for granted. As with any situation God puts me in I
have learned tons.

My favorite artist right now is Todd Agnew. Here is the chorus from
Unchanging One.

You know when I wake, when I rise, when I pray,
when I curse You and You love me the same
And You know when I stumble and fall, and You're there through it all
The only unchanging one

and the verse my favorite song of his is from
Isaiah 6:1-3

...I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted,
and the train of his robe filled the temple.
Above him were seraphs, each with six wings:
With two wings they covered their faces,
with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying.
And they were calling to one another:
    "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
    the whole earth is full of his glory."