Grief Goes On

Grief goes on

Elizabeth A Reed

March 18, 2019

On March 16th 2019 it was 15 years to the day my sister left the earth. Every year come March first the day looms in the future and it’s terrible. It is so heavy and it just waits for me. I never know how I will feel on that day. And so I never feel prepared. If I try to feel nothing; I feel guilty. If I am sad; tears, headache and emotional exhaustion often follow. But with grief we often don’t get to choose; we just have to live it. 

I’ve lived through this day 14 times since the first one. Sometimes time passing makes it easier and sometimes all I can think of is all the times that she has missed. And all the moments I have missed her.

I will speak about her to my children. I share about her with those who have also lost. And I will live as best as I can all the days I have left. 

Staying out of the deep dark holes of my mind

I wrote this awhile ago; maybe a few years and never finished it. Deciding to just post it now....


It started when I was a freshman in college, my depression that is. I can only begin to describe it to you. And mostly I don't want to. Its hard to want to think about that place long enough to write about it. Its like a big deep dark hole in my mind that I get lost in and can't get out. The walls talk to you, sometimes shout and sometimes whisper, but all the while it lies. I struggled for several years with clinical depression. I I have been consciously giving myself credit for small accomplishments lately. One goal of doing this is to remind myself that I'm doing ok (as an adult/mom), that I can't do everything, that every little bit helps, one step at a time, etc. Sometimes it seems silly to celebrate getting all of the laundry folded and put away, or being excited I processed and prepared the ham and bulk ground turkey I bought for the freezer. Or like today I resisted the desire (and my daughter asking) to go to McDonalds for lunch and iced coffee and made it at home. But it in a season where I struggle with my mental health this self coaching, stream of encouragement is not just helpful but necessary.

My Little Sister

My Little Sister
(I remember when)
By Elizabeth Ann Reed
March 16, 2015

I remember

When You were little and slept standing up in the pick-up,
We were chasing a cow
Bumping through the pasture and still you slept

I remember

When we played thumb war after we went to bed
With me hanging my hand down from the top bunk.
When we used to fight, but that never changed our friendship.

I remember

When we slept back to back,
When we painted our room bright fuchsia pink
And finding a mouse under our dresser.

I remember

When the bum lamb bit your ear and ate your earring,
When You laughed because Coralee got peed on
And shortly after a lamb peed on you.

I remember

When we were in band together
With marching band trips and concerts
When Mr. Bull always teased you because you got so red.

I remember

When you only wanted to write with gel pens
And when you started wearing make-up
And dating when you weren't supposed to.

I remember

When you could never find cute shoes in your size
but always had cuter clothes than me.

I remember

When we climbed rocks in the mountains
And you wished I wouldn't take so many risks
And spending hours walking and climbing
With Yuka, Brandon and Johnathan.

I remember

When we bought the trampoline together
And would spend hours jumping on it.

I remember

When we used to do tricks and dubbed it "Heater Seater"
You were the first person I dropped off my feet
And the only one who came close to standing on the bottom of my feet
We somehow managed to avoid major injury to us both.

I remember

When you failed a chemistry quiz
Because I came to your class to tell you I was engaged.
When you graduated high school and I got married

I remember

When I was pregnant and you called offended
Because I hadn't told you yet,
But only for a minute before you were so excited.

I remember

When You died
And I couldn't believe you were gone forever
I remember.

I will always
Remember you
Miss you
and be so thankful for you.

I remember

Rescue me Jesus

Rescue me Jesus

by Elizabeth A Reed

Aug 28, 2012

Rescue me Jesus

From the brokenness

From the hopelessness I feel

I feel black and crushed inside

Full of shame and guilt

And feelings I can’t describe

I don’t know where to go and

I don’t know what to do

So I cry out to you

Rescue me Jesus

You are my only hope

But I feel so far from you

I don’t know how to get back

I’ve tried many times to avoid this road

But it seems I always end up back here

Always lost, always broken, always unfixable

And I know you are the answer

And I know I can make it through today

But what about tomorrow?

The bleakness is unending and uncaring

And I don’t want to face it

So please You are my only hope

Hold me up Jesus

As I cannot stand on my own

Hold me and don’t let me go

For I need you

I need you to love me

To fill me up

To make me whole

And I can’t make it through today

Not without you

For you are my only hope

And I know you will rescue me

Happy 9th Anniversary Zachary!

For the one who said I do; I’ll love you always and forever

For the one who took my ring

Who gave me his name

Pledged his life and his love

To holding me when I cry and never giving up

I’ll love you always and forever

For the one who saves the day

By cooking dinner when I’m too tired

By reading ten labels just to find one I can eat

And always letting me pick the restaurant

I’ll love you always and forever

For the one who loves me beyond reason

When I don’t feel lovely

When I don’t act lovingly

And you forgive me all the same

I’ll love you always and forever

You calm my wayward emotions

You understand without me having to speak

You are the half that makes me whole

You are the one I’ll love

Always and forever more

Grief

One thing I have learned and am continually surprised by is that grief comes in unexpected times, unexpected ways and unexpected intensity. It has been over 7 years since my sister Erin died and yet last night I was crying as if it was just last week. To back up a bit I've been thinking about Erin more than usual lately. And then a cousin of mine recently got married. She and my sister had become friends after the cousin moved to Douglas. They were only a year apart in school. It seems so weird to me that my cousin is old enough to be getting married. That is partly because I don't see my cousins very often anymore, maybe once a year. But the bigger part is that my sister was 19 when she died. She will always be 19 to me and consequently my cousin should be younger than that. And not old enough to get married. My sister will never get married, never meet my children, never be there on Christmas morning and the list goes on.

But I know that grief is a process and I don't expect to ever stop missing my sister and so it must be a life long process.

Last night one thing I was remembering is how fun it could be to fight with her. It's not fun to fight with my old sister or brother, but it was fun to fight with Erin. It might be that we were closer in age and shared a room for so long; I'm not sure why. We would get mad but it wouldn't be long before we were laughing and hugging. And fights at night always ended with a game of thumb war me hanging my arm down from the top bunk and her reaching up. Thumb war is more fun in the dark when you can't see or aren't looking.

The other thing I've learned about grief is that you can hold it in (sometimes), but eventually it will all come out anyway (and it might be uglier if you hold it in) so its best to let yourself grieve naturally when your heart says to.

Reduction in Force take 2

So back in May of 2008 my Data Quality Team and myself were let go from Corbis. And because we were temps we didn't get any notice. It was a Thursday, May 1 to be exact. I came back on Friday to wrap things up as much as possible. It was not a shock that they didn't keep the team, but it was a shock that they didn't keep me and that we didn't get any notice. Fast forward 2 years minus 1 day to April 30th, last friday. I had an 8 am meeting that my boss told me about on Thursday afternoon. When I got to his office we immediately went to his bosses office. (UhOhh this can't be good I'm thinking). And it wasn't really. Due to lack of revenue the advertising department cut 4 jobs; mine being one of them. I worked at Corbis for almost 2 years and my team/position got eliminated. I have worked at The Times for almost 2 years and what do ya know my job/position got eliminated again. Although this time with 5 weeks notice and 2 weeks severance.

Now there is plenty of back story to how I took this news I'll try to make a long story as short.

I'd been looking for another job on and off for the past 6-9 months, the last 3 were focused around finding a nanny job. Between my health being less than helpful and not finding another familly to nanny for I decided the nanny thing wouldn't work. Soon after that I gave up on the elimination diet and my stress level dropped in some other ways also and consequently my health has been some better. Now about 3 weeks ago I decided I was going to give my current job 100% and stick with it. And I decided to start a sewing business on the side with the goal of building up my clientele so that at some point I could do full time sewing and maybe have a second child.

Also 4 weeks ago or so I was having a really hard time spiritually and emotionally. But after lots of time talking to God I've surrendered more to Him and am doing lots better. Our Fruit of the Spirit sermon series at church was very helpful also.

So when I they told me about my job and last day... I was totally ok. God has something more/differnt in store, thats the first thing I thought. And I'm 99% sure part of it is a sewing business. Now I'm not dwelling or at least trying/prayer hard not too dwell on the money issue. I'm just trusting God has a plan.

So need any pants hemmed? Or clothing altered?