Rescue me Jesus

Rescue me Jesus

by Elizabeth A Reed

Aug 28, 2012

Rescue me Jesus

From the brokenness

From the hopelessness I feel

I feel black and crushed inside

Full of shame and guilt

And feelings I can’t describe

I don’t know where to go and

I don’t know what to do

So I cry out to you

Rescue me Jesus

You are my only hope

But I feel so far from you

I don’t know how to get back

I’ve tried many times to avoid this road

But it seems I always end up back here

Always lost, always broken, always unfixable

And I know you are the answer

And I know I can make it through today

But what about tomorrow?

The bleakness is unending and uncaring

And I don’t want to face it

So please You are my only hope

Hold me up Jesus

As I cannot stand on my own

Hold me and don’t let me go

For I need you

I need you to love me

To fill me up

To make me whole

And I can’t make it through today

Not without you

For you are my only hope

And I know you will rescue me

Happy 9th Anniversary Zachary!

For the one who said I do; I’ll love you always and forever

For the one who took my ring

Who gave me his name

Pledged his life and his love

To holding me when I cry and never giving up

I’ll love you always and forever

For the one who saves the day

By cooking dinner when I’m too tired

By reading ten labels just to find one I can eat

And always letting me pick the restaurant

I’ll love you always and forever

For the one who loves me beyond reason

When I don’t feel lovely

When I don’t act lovingly

And you forgive me all the same

I’ll love you always and forever

You calm my wayward emotions

You understand without me having to speak

You are the half that makes me whole

You are the one I’ll love

Always and forever more

Grief

One thing I have learned and am continually surprised by is that grief comes in unexpected times, unexpected ways and unexpected intensity. It has been over 7 years since my sister Erin died and yet last night I was crying as if it was just last week. To back up a bit I've been thinking about Erin more than usual lately. And then a cousin of mine recently got married. She and my sister had become friends after the cousin moved to Douglas. They were only a year apart in school. It seems so weird to me that my cousin is old enough to be getting married. That is partly because I don't see my cousins very often anymore, maybe once a year. But the bigger part is that my sister was 19 when she died. She will always be 19 to me and consequently my cousin should be younger than that. And not old enough to get married. My sister will never get married, never meet my children, never be there on Christmas morning and the list goes on.

But I know that grief is a process and I don't expect to ever stop missing my sister and so it must be a life long process.

Last night one thing I was remembering is how fun it could be to fight with her. It's not fun to fight with my old sister or brother, but it was fun to fight with Erin. It might be that we were closer in age and shared a room for so long; I'm not sure why. We would get mad but it wouldn't be long before we were laughing and hugging. And fights at night always ended with a game of thumb war me hanging my arm down from the top bunk and her reaching up. Thumb war is more fun in the dark when you can't see or aren't looking.

The other thing I've learned about grief is that you can hold it in (sometimes), but eventually it will all come out anyway (and it might be uglier if you hold it in) so its best to let yourself grieve naturally when your heart says to.

Reduction in Force take 2

So back in May of 2008 my Data Quality Team and myself were let go from Corbis. And because we were temps we didn't get any notice. It was a Thursday, May 1 to be exact. I came back on Friday to wrap things up as much as possible. It was not a shock that they didn't keep the team, but it was a shock that they didn't keep me and that we didn't get any notice. Fast forward 2 years minus 1 day to April 30th, last friday. I had an 8 am meeting that my boss told me about on Thursday afternoon. When I got to his office we immediately went to his bosses office. (UhOhh this can't be good I'm thinking). And it wasn't really. Due to lack of revenue the advertising department cut 4 jobs; mine being one of them. I worked at Corbis for almost 2 years and my team/position got eliminated. I have worked at The Times for almost 2 years and what do ya know my job/position got eliminated again. Although this time with 5 weeks notice and 2 weeks severance.

Now there is plenty of back story to how I took this news I'll try to make a long story as short.

I'd been looking for another job on and off for the past 6-9 months, the last 3 were focused around finding a nanny job. Between my health being less than helpful and not finding another familly to nanny for I decided the nanny thing wouldn't work. Soon after that I gave up on the elimination diet and my stress level dropped in some other ways also and consequently my health has been some better. Now about 3 weeks ago I decided I was going to give my current job 100% and stick with it. And I decided to start a sewing business on the side with the goal of building up my clientele so that at some point I could do full time sewing and maybe have a second child.

Also 4 weeks ago or so I was having a really hard time spiritually and emotionally. But after lots of time talking to God I've surrendered more to Him and am doing lots better. Our Fruit of the Spirit sermon series at church was very helpful also.

So when I they told me about my job and last day... I was totally ok. God has something more/differnt in store, thats the first thing I thought. And I'm 99% sure part of it is a sewing business. Now I'm not dwelling or at least trying/prayer hard not too dwell on the money issue. I'm just trusting God has a plan.

So need any pants hemmed? Or clothing altered?

Playing "kitchen" at the supper table

So Peter and I were eating supper (dinner) tonight just the two of us and the conversation went something like this...
Peter- "how about we play a game while we are eating."
Mom-"um..."
Peter-"let's play kitchen you be the cooker and I will sit and the table and be the taster. You have 2 minutes now go"
Mom-"two minutes that not very long"
Peter-"oh you already made it" (and he takes a bite of the chicken soup/stew),
Peter-"and the winner is" and then he pauses for a min points his finger right at me and says "pack your bags and leave"
A bit later in the meal I've added cottage cheese to his plate and he tries some together with the stew. After some contemplation on his part he says. "Kinda good, needs a little sugar, to make it more flavor" And then he proceeds to mix every part of the meal together including the bread with jelly on it with the cottage cheese and stew. He didn't like it the first try but gave it another shot.

I was highly amused by the whole thing. What can I say I think I've bore a food critic. Or he's just watched a lot of the food network. (and can get upset if you turn it off in the middle of some show with judges and winners.)

Give Me Jesus

There are times (like today) that I need to just sit and soak up this song. Just rest in the words and really think about what it means. Whatever happens, whatever I have or don't have, whatever I want; I have all I need in Jesus. He is more than enough for me.


In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I am alone,
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.

You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

I'm all grown up, now what should I do

I went to college with my major chosen and my career in mind; psychology and counselor (because I wanted to help people). But after taking a few psych courses, I remember thinking "how can they just leave God and religion out of the picture." It was all about dissecting and labeling the person, the disorder, the syndrome and nothing about the environment and culture that surrounded them. My second year in college I took a sociology class on social deviance. Between loving that class and the professor (who later became my advisor) and hating my psych stats class I switched from Psychology to Sociology. Sociology is awesome. In my mind its almost the opposite of why I hated my psych classes. Sociology studies culture and society and its affects on individuals. Religion, faith, belief in God has validity in sociology and I didn't feel that in psych. (A quick side note: I have no problem with Christians in psychology or any associated field. It just wasn't right for me in college.)

So after changing my major and giving up on my math minor I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Comparative Sociology. But before I did that I got married and had Peter. Well so now I had my career being a wife and mom. But then I had to get a job while Zack went to school. What kind of job do you get with a bachelors in Sociology?? (Still not sure about that one.)

I ended up at Corbis in data quality. I like data quality, have a small passion for it I would say, but is that really what I'm supposed to be doing? I have no doubt God meant me to be at Corbis or rather meant me to be friends with Debi, but I'm not sure if learning about data quality was an added benefit or part of the purpose of me being there. I was also in charge of a team of 7 people there and found fulfillment in leading and managing a team.

Well so now I'm working in a data quality job but instead of being excited about finding dirty data and cleaning it up I'm bored and miserable. If it weren't for my awesome boss and my loyalty to him I would have found a new job awhile ago or at least tried really hard. And the commute doesn't help.

So most of this reflection comes out of wanting a different job but having NO IDEA what kind of job I should look for or try to get. I've had several people say you should do want you really want to especially if you have a job and can look for the 'right' one. Well I do have dreams of what I would like to do but most of them aren't practical and the question always looms, would I really like that? Or more currently could I make enough money doing that? So here are some of my dreams...

I think it would be fun to teach people how to cook. Just simple but not dull meals. And in teaching them that I would convince them that eating dinner with their family at the table without the TV on is one of the best things they can do for their family.

I would love to have a working ranch close by where I could take in homeless people and give them purpose and a job to do. (by the way the theory that people are supposed to work and produce something is a Marxist theory although it originated with God)

Or I could help couples plan their wedding and make it less stressful and then decorate their cake for them.
Or be a potter who makes functional yet abstract ceramic ware.
Or someone who teaches abused women and children life skills and helps them make a new start.
Or become a doula.
A few more practical ideas I've had are massage therapist, hair stylist, cafe/coffee shop manager.

It'd be easier if I had just one or two ideas. What do I want to do? Well I want to help people. I guess thats one id...no its not an idea its an action or end result! I need the how, the who, and the doing what. If only I didn't have to be so practical!