Responsible (in 4 parts)

Act 1 (enter Elizabeth late at night)
So i realized tonight that i have this built in responsibleness. Doesn't matter how i feel that night or that morning when the alarm goes off. I get up and go to work. I might hit the alarm a few times but i'll go to work. I'll go and smile and be nice and friendly and sit at my desk and do my work. Now this might sound like a really good trait. But in some cases or some days it just feels like i'm being cheated (if its out of something i'm not sure). It doesn't matter how broken i feel inside or how sad or lonely or depressed i feel i still pretend or act like everything is fine, my life is great and sure everything isn't perfect but life hardly ever is right so yeah on i go being responsible, dependable and strong.

But i just don't feel that way all the time. I feel hopeless some days. Like today, today seems like a day to be happy. I had another conversation about Christianity and Christ and faith with a co-worker today, i got to read a good book, i got to spend some time with my hubby. i should be in bed sleeping contentedly not only because i'm sleep deprived but because all in all it was a good day.

My life's not horrible right now I've got some really good things going for me. I should just be happy where i'm at. But i feel like i'm living a luke warm life in a lot of ways.

Act 2 (enter battling thoughts)
So there are many warring thought within me. I'll list them for you.
1. I've supposed to be content where i am.
2. Get over it the world doesn't revolve around me.
3.Saying all this will make the people around me feel insufficient but really i don't think it has anything to do with them.
I just think its me.
4. But i'm not that special so i need get over to get over myself.

Act 3 (enter awareness of God)
And then, the solution that i know in my heart, which in the end i always come back to is there.
Christ can be my all, can be my everything but only if i let Him. And the synical part of me is like of course this is the answer. But you don't really want to take it, which is just dumb. But i'm always going in the same circle. I'm with God and walking with him on a daily basis and then i drift away. And then i get hopeless and depressed and find my way back to Him. And He accepts me and forgives me and welcomes me and comforts me. But then after a while i drift away again and then i get to the bottom of the pit and then i reach again for the light. And the cycle continues. Only i never feel like i make any head way. I've always trodding in the same path. And even though i know its not all about me--that the world is a much bigger place and i'm just a servant of God--it feels all about me. After all this cycle that i'm in where does it go; me, God, me, God, me, God, me, God. Is there every anyone else in the picture anyone i lift up or do i just drag down.

Act 4 (exit Satan)
This is a really depressing post. So i think we're done now. And i may not be a shining star but at least i'm not throwing myself a pity party any more. Ha so there Satan take that.

The End

Busy and more Busy

I haven't post anything in quite a while. I don't seem to have much time to myself, even more so then before. I am now working on average 3 hours of overtime a week, which might not seem that much but when you add in the extra commute time because I leave work at a busier traffic time it adds up. Since June 4th I've trained 4 new people, one I had to let go over after only a week because it wasn't working out. Training people takes so much time and on top of training, then I have to answer questions and check their work and do my work. In a two week time I worked almost 12 hours of overtime. Needless to say the rest of my life is suffering and I need to do something to fix it.

On the plus side Zack accepted a teaching position today in Federal Way. He is super excited. And we will be moving north at the end of summer/beginning of fall. Hooray for a shorter commute time.

All in all I feel like I've been living on God's grace and hope for the future. And the highlight of my days are hugging and kissing Peter and telling him how much I love him...and being amazed at how much I absolutely adore him. And being thankful I have a husband that cooks dinner and even cleans up most days.

Poem

Hiding (on my own)
May 2, 2007

I turn every direction but there is no place to hide
There is all this going on inside me that I can't escape
Everyone elses need of me--
be a leader, be a mom, be a wife
be a daughter, be a sister, be a friend
Just let me alone or let me out
Because I can't be all the those things
I can't even be me whoever that is
I get lost in all the things
And can't seem to find my way out

All the frustration and all the wanting
It just turns to anger
And then its the people closest to me that suffer
I don't have any patience and
I don't want all this emotion
Why can't I just hide
But where is that part of me
That everyone thinks is capable
Because I certainly can't find its label

And God stop pushing me where I don't want to go
I want a resolution not a reason
Cause obviously I'm good enough
Isn't everyone telling me so
In my questions is the answer
And in the answer my place to hide
Don't keep me from my Jesus
For He is where I want to be inside

He's the peace I'm not searching for
The place I am not hiding
The one I'm not asking for
Please find me, find me
Though I do not want found
I can't hide from you
Or bury what I'm feeling
Please help me with what your asking
Hiding or searching or finding
I can't do it on my own

Blessed (as a parent)

Today I stayed home from work with Peter because he was pretty sick over the weekend and needed an extra day to get better. So I got to spend a good amount of time with him. He played really well by himself after breakfast while I was working on the computer trying to get set up so I could work from home...we couldn't get it set up today but will for the future. Since Peter was sick he was pretty cuddly today. And he felt well enough that he was not too crabby. I tried to put him down for a nap but that didn't work. But I got lots of hugs and kisses and he sat on my lap quite a bit. It was wonderful.

Tonight I was putting him down for bed and I realized how blessed I was. Being a parent is so unbelievable. Peter loves me so much and when I put my head on his pillow next to his he loves it. He almost always puts his arm across my neck and sometimes he will rub my cheek with his hand. Its so tender and caring. I feel so thankful that God gave me the gift of Peter and parenting. Some days I get so frustrated as a parent but I am in awe of how much I love him and how much he loves me. And not only that; God gave Zack and I a huge responsibility and he would not have given Peter to us if he did not think we were capably or worth of a childs love and life. Its inspiring to think of how much I admire and respect my parents and other parents that I know and then to think that I am one of them. I am a parent; God has given me the biggest bless in this life that I can imagine.

My prayer is that I would remember what a gift I've been given every moment of every day. That I would grow as a person in Christ and that as I do that, I pray that Peter would see Christ in me. I have nothing better to give to Peter then the love of Christ

About

Today is March 31st, 2007. Zack is in Seattle at a Comic Con(vention)

with a friend. Peter is taking his nap and for the moment time is mine.
The apartment is quiet, Third Day is playing and the sun is almost shining.

Here's an update on my life. I am mostly going to leave Zack's update
out; you can check out his myspace if you don't already. I started
working for Corbis as a temp/contract employee in June 2006. Corbis
is a stock image and creative resoure company headquartered in
Downtown Seattle. Corbis is a great place to work. Its a very relaxed
atmosphere and friendly people for a big office. I commute on the bus
every weekday to Seattle. I might post on commuting but for the
moment its what is required of me and I'm ok with it on most days.

In January I became co-lead of the Data Quality Team. Starting on April
16 I will be the sole lead of the Data Quality Team. I am in charge of 4
other temps and all the projects we have. My boss is wonderful and my
co-workers/team is great too. My job is very challenging and will only
get more so in two weeks.

Peter enjoys going to daycare. He continually amazing me with how
much he can do physically (like unscrew a bottle of gatorade and screw
it back on). But more amazing is how smart he is. He is very logically
for a two year (unless he's mad of course ) He is also extremely
stubborn but I have NO idea where he got that )

Currently my life is very busy between my commuting and Zack's student
teaching and being a Mom there is almost no time left. My life has been
very challenging. I have learned much about priorities and about
everything that I take for granted. As with any situation God puts me in I
have learned tons.

My favorite artist right now is Todd Agnew. Here is the chorus from
Unchanging One.

You know when I wake, when I rise, when I pray,
when I curse You and You love me the same
And You know when I stumble and fall, and You're there through it all
The only unchanging one

and the verse my favorite song of his is from
Isaiah 6:1-3

...I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted,
and the train of his robe filled the temple.
Above him were seraphs, each with six wings:
With two wings they covered their faces,
with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying.
And they were calling to one another:
    "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
    the whole earth is full of his glory."