Rescue me Jesus

Rescue me Jesus

by Elizabeth A Reed

Aug 28, 2012

Rescue me Jesus

From the brokenness

From the hopelessness I feel

I feel black and crushed inside

Full of shame and guilt

And feelings I can’t describe

I don’t know where to go and

I don’t know what to do

So I cry out to you

Rescue me Jesus

You are my only hope

But I feel so far from you

I don’t know how to get back

I’ve tried many times to avoid this road

But it seems I always end up back here

Always lost, always broken, always unfixable

And I know you are the answer

And I know I can make it through today

But what about tomorrow?

The bleakness is unending and uncaring

And I don’t want to face it

So please You are my only hope

Hold me up Jesus

As I cannot stand on my own

Hold me and don’t let me go

For I need you

I need you to love me

To fill me up

To make me whole

And I can’t make it through today

Not without you

For you are my only hope

And I know you will rescue me

Reduction in Force take 2

So back in May of 2008 my Data Quality Team and myself were let go from Corbis. And because we were temps we didn't get any notice. It was a Thursday, May 1 to be exact. I came back on Friday to wrap things up as much as possible. It was not a shock that they didn't keep the team, but it was a shock that they didn't keep me and that we didn't get any notice. Fast forward 2 years minus 1 day to April 30th, last friday. I had an 8 am meeting that my boss told me about on Thursday afternoon. When I got to his office we immediately went to his bosses office. (UhOhh this can't be good I'm thinking). And it wasn't really. Due to lack of revenue the advertising department cut 4 jobs; mine being one of them. I worked at Corbis for almost 2 years and my team/position got eliminated. I have worked at The Times for almost 2 years and what do ya know my job/position got eliminated again. Although this time with 5 weeks notice and 2 weeks severance.

Now there is plenty of back story to how I took this news I'll try to make a long story as short.

I'd been looking for another job on and off for the past 6-9 months, the last 3 were focused around finding a nanny job. Between my health being less than helpful and not finding another familly to nanny for I decided the nanny thing wouldn't work. Soon after that I gave up on the elimination diet and my stress level dropped in some other ways also and consequently my health has been some better. Now about 3 weeks ago I decided I was going to give my current job 100% and stick with it. And I decided to start a sewing business on the side with the goal of building up my clientele so that at some point I could do full time sewing and maybe have a second child.

Also 4 weeks ago or so I was having a really hard time spiritually and emotionally. But after lots of time talking to God I've surrendered more to Him and am doing lots better. Our Fruit of the Spirit sermon series at church was very helpful also.

So when I they told me about my job and last day... I was totally ok. God has something more/differnt in store, thats the first thing I thought. And I'm 99% sure part of it is a sewing business. Now I'm not dwelling or at least trying/prayer hard not too dwell on the money issue. I'm just trusting God has a plan.

So need any pants hemmed? Or clothing altered?

Give Me Jesus

There are times (like today) that I need to just sit and soak up this song. Just rest in the words and really think about what it means. Whatever happens, whatever I have or don't have, whatever I want; I have all I need in Jesus. He is more than enough for me.


In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I am alone,
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.

You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

Bad News

I didn't used to read, or listen to, or watch the news at all. It was too sad. Since I started working at The Seattle Times I've been reading the news a lot. It was fun to become more informed politically before the election. But now it seems all the news is bad. And I'm not talking about all of the lay offs. Yes thats bad but its not the end of a persons life. Now every day I open up seattletimes.com and look for the next tragedy. The day I read about the father in California who killed first his kids and wife and then himself, I thought, I can't do this anymore. I can't continue to read these stories about people's lives ending without it breaking my heart and making me cry. But I also realized something positive. When I hurt for someone I don't know the only thing I can do to help is to pray. I have made it a habit to pray for the people involved whenever I hear a ambulance. Now I want to make it a habit to pray for all the families and friends of the lost lives I read about in the news. I know that the death and crime rates are only going to get worse the longer the economy sinks. And when I think about that I wonder how many more lives will be taken knowing many of us have very little experience with death, especially of someone close to us. Instead of numbers and curves and patterns I want to make this economic downturn God's moment. He is the only one that can shine light in the darkest of places. He alone can lift us from the murky shadows of depression and hopelessness. We might lose our job, our house, our car, our child, our mom; but we will never loose Him because He is holding on to us. I want to take this moment and remember I have hope to share. Hope to share with those I know and prayer for those I only read about.

Honest talk

(Make sure you've read the previous post before you read this one.)

A few weeks ago I hit bottom. I will suffice it to say that it involved a moment, as I was walking to the bus stop, where I fully realized how anger riddled I really was. This was followed by a emotional, honest conversation with my husband. The outcome--my understanding and acknowledging that I absolutely had to deal with my anger. This was a big step.

The time between that night and this past week are a little foggy when it comes to how I was doing with the 'dealing with my anger' but I know that God was working on me.

I have been praying a lot this past week. I am starting to take charge of some prayer stuff at church and that has led me to pray more, (go figure). Bit my prayer life has been in a rut. I have been praying (not as often as I'd like) but it has had a wooden quality to it. I felt like I was praying the right things or in the right way but not connecting to God. (Yes that would be the big wall of anger.) A lot of it had to do with me not getting what I wanted, and firmly believing that what I wanted was biblically correct. So to make the point clear it seemed like I was angry at a few people and some circumstances but really I was angry at God. Please God forgive me for my sin for I have been angry at you and my life that you gave me.

So this week I have been reading a devotional called "15 minutes with God" or something like that, reading the associated scripture and praying. A good chunk of my prayers have been for my church Veritas and for our service tomorrow. I have been having conversations with a good friend about how we should pray, for what, how much...that sort of thing. And my response was pray. You can pray for what you think would be good to happen but for the most part pray for God's will to happen. Now I think this is fine to do but I had forgotten some of the other ways to pray. Then I had coffee with a wonderful friend on Tuesday. I'm not sure I can completely explain the next steps in my journey but I'll try.

I was sharing somethings that are close to my heart with her and she asked me a question. She said, "Do you ever just pray for what you want or do you always just pray for God's will to be done." and my response was, "me personally, do I pray for what I want?" And the answer was, I have in the past but not recently. God knows what I want but I think I was trying to keep it hidden.

So I did. On Thursday I poured my heart out to God. I told him what I wanted and I asked Him for what I wanted. And then I felt peace, not because I'd gotten what I wanted but because I'd told someone,I'd told God what I wanted. And then it was ok. I know He might say no, but I'm ok with that.

Nothing is magically better in my life and really not much has changed around me but I've changed. I've made a choice. I can be angry and bummed about my life. Or I can be thankful and content with my life. Now that I've told God what I want I've let it go. This is my life right here, right now and dang it I want to have fun.

So this is it. The day I'm starting afresh. Renewed in spirit and mind and heart. Making the choice; I'm gonna live my life.

catching up

Well so I have a lot to catch up on. I have a post I want to make but to put it into the proper perspective a little scene setting is needed. Warning the scene is not so pretty.

I haven't been too happy or joyful for a while now; just not happy with my life, wanting more but not exactly sure what or how to get it. And to be completely honest not just unhappy but angry. I don't like to be angry maybe nobody does, but its especially bad when I take my anger out on the people I love the most. That's call sin. And its still sin even when I'm tired or stressed or tired and stressed. No matter how I feel, taking my anger out on someone else (unless its righteous clearing the temple anger) is wrong and requires repentance and forgiveness.

Anger gets in the way of A LOT of things. The biggest thing it gets in the way of is my relationship with Jesus. It like when I'm angry and I want to get close to God I have rope him like I would a steer, only I don't have a horse to ride and I don't really know how to throw the rope. Not much gets through the anger, especially not my heart and soul.

Now a while back I posted about being thankful and I mentioned a song "Chicken Fried." Well tonight I went to see the Zac Brown Band and they sing that song. As I was at the concert some of the last pieces came together for me. Post concert at my computer is where the next post begins.

Certainly

July 31^st 2008
Elizabeth Ann Reed

Certainly she said
And why not?
It’s not as if I shouldn’t,
It’s my life
And I’m writing my own story.

And since I’m writing it
You can be sure
Things will work out as they should

And for years she writes……

Certainly God said
You’ve tried to do it on your own
You’ve given it your best shot
But the problem is
I gave you your life
And I’ve already written your story

I’m certain you’re right God…

My life—its not my own:
It belongs to you
You who have carried me
Since I was born
You guided my heart in the storm
To the place where you knew
I would see you.
And then you brought the rain to an end,
But the sun was only shining on you
It was then that I knew
It was not only my life
That belonged to you.

Here is my heart Lord
And here is my soul
My body and my mind
I give them to you.
Show me how to follow you
Because certainly Lord—
I need you.

Certainly she said;
Lord I need you.

5 Years and learning to surrender

Zack and I will celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary on Sunday. I've been thinking on it for awhile. Its amazing to me all that has happened in those 5 years and how quickly the time has gone by. When I got married I had a vision or what I thought was a vision for Zack and I's life. Our life certainly does not look like what I pictured. I'm glad it doesn't. If everything we planned or pictured happened exactly that way how boring life would be and how little we would learn.

Much of what I have learned can't be described, but one thing God has been constantly teaching me is what trusting Him means. Trusting God is in very few ways easy for me (as I'm sure is the case with most everyone). Some use the phrase 'trust God' as a single statement that covers everything. But lately I've been realizing that trusting God is very similar to surrendering to Him; in fact, I think if you surrender everything/every part of you to Him then you trust Him. I've surrendered myself to Him many times in many ways and have to continue to do so daily. After my sister died I had to learn to surrender the rest of my family to Him and trust that He knows best. After we had Peter I had to learn to surrender Peter and entrust Peter to God. It has just been fairly recently that I've learned how to surrender and surrender completely my marriage to Him and surrender my 'plans' for my family to God. I have to trust that God has a plan not only for my life but for Zack and I as a couple and for us as a family. And I have to trust that that plan is a good one; meaning it will bring Him glory even when I can't imagine my life at the moment being glorious to anyone let alone the Creator of the universe.

Only when I trust that God is working in my life, that He has a plan and is fulfilling that plan can I be content where I am at. I have to surrender my ideas and everything else to the One who knows all and who loves me and my family more than I can imagine.

My prayer is that as I continue to live my life that I would remember how beautiful my Lord really is and how today I stand in awe of Him for all that He is and all that He has done.

Ex-Employee

So the story begins 3 or so months ago when I learned that the project my team at Un-named Company was working on was ending/changing sooner then planned...and that it was over budget. My whole Data Quality (DQ) team (me included) were covered under this budget. So there was a few tense weeks as they decided what to do with the DQ team. They finally decided to keep us around as long as originally planned (Jun 1st). Now for a little background I was hired as a DQ temp before the project but I was moved to the project when DQ was eliminated from the business side of things...not that any of that really matters anymore.

Last Thursday I got a phone call from my supervisor and when I got to her office our HR person was also there...but I was a little slow and it took a min or so for me to get that I was losing my job. And after that, I had to go round up my team so they could be told too. Needless to say it was a shock to me. Data Quality or at least some of my job functions are necessary for the business so I never really thought they would get rid of DQ complete (read get rid of me). My team's last day was thursday. I went back on Friday to try and leave DQ in as good a place as I could so the next person could pick it up whenever they bring Data Quality back and whoever fills in in the mean time.

Some things I've learned through working for Un-named Company and leaving Un-named Company:
I love Data Quality
I'm a data geek
I'm capable of more than I thought I was
I can manage a team of people
I can have a professional relationship with people that are completely different from me
Working moms are still moms

Some things that I've re-learned while working at unsaid company
God is in control
Being joyful is a choice
Trusting God is a daily and sometimes hourly choice
Putting people in boxes is usually only helpful for the first 5 mins that you meet them

Responsible (in 4 parts)

Act 1 (enter Elizabeth late at night)
So i realized tonight that i have this built in responsibleness. Doesn't matter how i feel that night or that morning when the alarm goes off. I get up and go to work. I might hit the alarm a few times but i'll go to work. I'll go and smile and be nice and friendly and sit at my desk and do my work. Now this might sound like a really good trait. But in some cases or some days it just feels like i'm being cheated (if its out of something i'm not sure). It doesn't matter how broken i feel inside or how sad or lonely or depressed i feel i still pretend or act like everything is fine, my life is great and sure everything isn't perfect but life hardly ever is right so yeah on i go being responsible, dependable and strong.

But i just don't feel that way all the time. I feel hopeless some days. Like today, today seems like a day to be happy. I had another conversation about Christianity and Christ and faith with a co-worker today, i got to read a good book, i got to spend some time with my hubby. i should be in bed sleeping contentedly not only because i'm sleep deprived but because all in all it was a good day.

My life's not horrible right now I've got some really good things going for me. I should just be happy where i'm at. But i feel like i'm living a luke warm life in a lot of ways.

Act 2 (enter battling thoughts)
So there are many warring thought within me. I'll list them for you.
1. I've supposed to be content where i am.
2. Get over it the world doesn't revolve around me.
3.Saying all this will make the people around me feel insufficient but really i don't think it has anything to do with them.
I just think its me.
4. But i'm not that special so i need get over to get over myself.

Act 3 (enter awareness of God)
And then, the solution that i know in my heart, which in the end i always come back to is there.
Christ can be my all, can be my everything but only if i let Him. And the synical part of me is like of course this is the answer. But you don't really want to take it, which is just dumb. But i'm always going in the same circle. I'm with God and walking with him on a daily basis and then i drift away. And then i get hopeless and depressed and find my way back to Him. And He accepts me and forgives me and welcomes me and comforts me. But then after a while i drift away again and then i get to the bottom of the pit and then i reach again for the light. And the cycle continues. Only i never feel like i make any head way. I've always trodding in the same path. And even though i know its not all about me--that the world is a much bigger place and i'm just a servant of God--it feels all about me. After all this cycle that i'm in where does it go; me, God, me, God, me, God, me, God. Is there every anyone else in the picture anyone i lift up or do i just drag down.

Act 4 (exit Satan)
This is a really depressing post. So i think we're done now. And i may not be a shining star but at least i'm not throwing myself a pity party any more. Ha so there Satan take that.

The End