One thing I have learned and am continually surprised by is that grief comes in unexpected times, unexpected ways and unexpected intensity. It has been over 7 years since my sister Erin died and yet last night I was crying as if it was just last week. To back up a bit I've been thinking about Erin more than usual lately. And then a cousin of mine recently got married. She and my sister had become friends after the cousin moved to Douglas. They were only a year apart in school. It seems so weird to me that my cousin is old enough to be getting married. That is partly because I don't see my cousins very often anymore, maybe once a year. But the bigger part is that my sister was 19 when she died. She will always be 19 to me and consequently my cousin should be younger than that. And not old enough to get married. My sister will never get married, never meet my children, never be there on Christmas morning and the list goes on.
But I know that grief is a process and I don't expect to ever stop missing my sister and so it must be a life long process.
Last night one thing I was remembering is how fun it could be to fight with her. It's not fun to fight with my old sister or brother, but it was fun to fight with Erin. It might be that we were closer in age and shared a room for so long; I'm not sure why. We would get mad but it wouldn't be long before we were laughing and hugging. And fights at night always ended with a game of thumb war me hanging my arm down from the top bunk and her reaching up. Thumb war is more fun in the dark when you can't see or aren't looking.
The other thing I've learned about grief is that you can hold it in (sometimes), but eventually it will all come out anyway (and it might be uglier if you hold it in) so its best to let yourself grieve naturally when your heart says to.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Reduction in Force take 2
So back in May of 2008 my Data Quality Team and myself were let go from Corbis. And because we were temps we didn't get any notice. It was a Thursday, May 1 to be exact. I came back on Friday to wrap things up as much as possible. It was not a shock that they didn't keep the team, but it was a shock that they didn't keep me and that we didn't get any notice. Fast forward 2 years minus 1 day to April 30th, last friday. I had an 8 am meeting that my boss told me about on Thursday afternoon. When I got to his office we immediately went to his bosses office. (UhOhh this can't be good I'm thinking). And it wasn't really. Due to lack of revenue the advertising department cut 4 jobs; mine being one of them. I worked at Corbis for almost 2 years and my team/position got eliminated. I have worked at The Times for almost 2 years and what do ya know my job/position got eliminated again. Although this time with 5 weeks notice and 2 weeks severance.
Now there is plenty of back story to how I took this news I'll try to make a long story as short.
I'd been looking for another job on and off for the past 6-9 months, the last 3 were focused around finding a nanny job. Between my health being less than helpful and not finding another familly to nanny for I decided the nanny thing wouldn't work. Soon after that I gave up on the elimination diet and my stress level dropped in some other ways also and consequently my health has been some better. Now about 3 weeks ago I decided I was going to give my current job 100% and stick with it. And I decided to start a sewing business on the side with the goal of building up my clientele so that at some point I could do full time sewing and maybe have a second child.
Also 4 weeks ago or so I was having a really hard time spiritually and emotionally. But after lots of time talking to God I've surrendered more to Him and am doing lots better. Our Fruit of the Spirit sermon series at church was very helpful also.
So when I they told me about my job and last day... I was totally ok. God has something more/differnt in store, thats the first thing I thought. And I'm 99% sure part of it is a sewing business. Now I'm not dwelling or at least trying/prayer hard not too dwell on the money issue. I'm just trusting God has a plan.
So need any pants hemmed? Or clothing altered?
Now there is plenty of back story to how I took this news I'll try to make a long story as short.
I'd been looking for another job on and off for the past 6-9 months, the last 3 were focused around finding a nanny job. Between my health being less than helpful and not finding another familly to nanny for I decided the nanny thing wouldn't work. Soon after that I gave up on the elimination diet and my stress level dropped in some other ways also and consequently my health has been some better. Now about 3 weeks ago I decided I was going to give my current job 100% and stick with it. And I decided to start a sewing business on the side with the goal of building up my clientele so that at some point I could do full time sewing and maybe have a second child.
Also 4 weeks ago or so I was having a really hard time spiritually and emotionally. But after lots of time talking to God I've surrendered more to Him and am doing lots better. Our Fruit of the Spirit sermon series at church was very helpful also.
So when I they told me about my job and last day... I was totally ok. God has something more/differnt in store, thats the first thing I thought. And I'm 99% sure part of it is a sewing business. Now I'm not dwelling or at least trying/prayer hard not too dwell on the money issue. I'm just trusting God has a plan.
So need any pants hemmed? Or clothing altered?
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Give Me Jesus
There are times (like today) that I need to just sit and soak up this song. Just rest in the words and really think about what it means. Whatever happens, whatever I have or don't have, whatever I want; I have all I need in Jesus. He is more than enough for me.
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.
Friday, May 8, 2009
I'm all grown up, now what should I do
I went to college with my major chosen and my career in mind; psychology and counselor (because I wanted to help people). But after taking a few psych courses, I remember thinking "how can they just leave God and religion out of the picture." It was all about dissecting and labeling the person, the disorder, the syndrome and nothing about the environment and culture that surrounded them. My second year in college I took a sociology class on social deviance. Between loving that class and the professor (who later became my advisor) and hating my psych stats class I switched from Psychology to Sociology. Sociology is awesome. In my mind its almost the opposite of why I hated my psych classes. Sociology studies culture and society and its affects on individuals. Religion, faith, belief in God has validity in sociology and I didn't feel that in psych. (A quick side note: I have no problem with Christians in psychology or any associated field. It just wasn't right for me in college.)
So after changing my major and giving up on my math minor I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Comparative Sociology. But before I did that I got married and had Peter. Well so now I had my career being a wife and mom. But then I had to get a job while Zack went to school. What kind of job do you get with a bachelors in Sociology?? (Still not sure about that one.)
I ended up at Corbis in data quality. I like data quality, have a small passion for it I would say, but is that really what I'm supposed to be doing? I have no doubt God meant me to be at Corbis or rather meant me to be friends with Debi, but I'm not sure if learning about data quality was an added benefit or part of the purpose of me being there. I was also in charge of a team of 7 people there and found fulfillment in leading and managing a team.
Well so now I'm working in a data quality job but instead of being excited about finding dirty data and cleaning it up I'm bored and miserable. If it weren't for my awesome boss and my loyalty to him I would have found a new job awhile ago or at least tried really hard. And the commute doesn't help.
So most of this reflection comes out of wanting a different job but having NO IDEA what kind of job I should look for or try to get. I've had several people say you should do want you really want to especially if you have a job and can look for the 'right' one. Well I do have dreams of what I would like to do but most of them aren't practical and the question always looms, would I really like that? Or more currently could I make enough money doing that? So here are some of my dreams...
I think it would be fun to teach people how to cook. Just simple but not dull meals. And in teaching them that I would convince them that eating dinner with their family at the table without the TV on is one of the best things they can do for their family.
I would love to have a working ranch close by where I could take in homeless people and give them purpose and a job to do. (by the way the theory that people are supposed to work and produce something is a Marxist theory although it originated with God)
Or I could help couples plan their wedding and make it less stressful and then decorate their cake for them.
Or be a potter who makes functional yet abstract ceramic ware.
Or someone who teaches abused women and children life skills and helps them make a new start.
Or become a doula.
A few more practical ideas I've had are massage therapist, hair stylist, cafe/coffee shop manager.
It'd be easier if I had just one or two ideas. What do I want to do? Well I want to help people. I guess thats one id...no its not an idea its an action or end result! I need the how, the who, and the doing what. If only I didn't have to be so practical!
So after changing my major and giving up on my math minor I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Comparative Sociology. But before I did that I got married and had Peter. Well so now I had my career being a wife and mom. But then I had to get a job while Zack went to school. What kind of job do you get with a bachelors in Sociology?? (Still not sure about that one.)
I ended up at Corbis in data quality. I like data quality, have a small passion for it I would say, but is that really what I'm supposed to be doing? I have no doubt God meant me to be at Corbis or rather meant me to be friends with Debi, but I'm not sure if learning about data quality was an added benefit or part of the purpose of me being there. I was also in charge of a team of 7 people there and found fulfillment in leading and managing a team.
Well so now I'm working in a data quality job but instead of being excited about finding dirty data and cleaning it up I'm bored and miserable. If it weren't for my awesome boss and my loyalty to him I would have found a new job awhile ago or at least tried really hard. And the commute doesn't help.
So most of this reflection comes out of wanting a different job but having NO IDEA what kind of job I should look for or try to get. I've had several people say you should do want you really want to especially if you have a job and can look for the 'right' one. Well I do have dreams of what I would like to do but most of them aren't practical and the question always looms, would I really like that? Or more currently could I make enough money doing that? So here are some of my dreams...
I think it would be fun to teach people how to cook. Just simple but not dull meals. And in teaching them that I would convince them that eating dinner with their family at the table without the TV on is one of the best things they can do for their family.
I would love to have a working ranch close by where I could take in homeless people and give them purpose and a job to do. (by the way the theory that people are supposed to work and produce something is a Marxist theory although it originated with God)
Or I could help couples plan their wedding and make it less stressful and then decorate their cake for them.
Or be a potter who makes functional yet abstract ceramic ware.
Or someone who teaches abused women and children life skills and helps them make a new start.
Or become a doula.
A few more practical ideas I've had are massage therapist, hair stylist, cafe/coffee shop manager.
It'd be easier if I had just one or two ideas. What do I want to do? Well I want to help people. I guess thats one id...no its not an idea its an action or end result! I need the how, the who, and the doing what. If only I didn't have to be so practical!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Honest talk
(Make sure you've read the previous post before you read this one.)
A few weeks ago I hit bottom. I will suffice it to say that it involved a moment, as I was walking to the bus stop, where I fully realized how anger riddled I really was. This was followed by a emotional, honest conversation with my husband. The outcome--my understanding and acknowledging that I absolutely had to deal with my anger. This was a big step.
The time between that night and this past week are a little foggy when it comes to how I was doing with the 'dealing with my anger' but I know that God was working on me.
I have been praying a lot this past week. I am starting to take charge of some prayer stuff at church and that has led me to pray more, (go figure). Bit my prayer life has been in a rut. I have been praying (not as often as I'd like) but it has had a wooden quality to it. I felt like I was praying the right things or in the right way but not connecting to God. (Yes that would be the big wall of anger.) A lot of it had to do with me not getting what I wanted, and firmly believing that what I wanted was biblically correct. So to make the point clear it seemed like I was angry at a few people and some circumstances but really I was angry at God. Please God forgive me for my sin for I have been angry at you and my life that you gave me.
So this week I have been reading a devotional called "15 minutes with God" or something like that, reading the associated scripture and praying. A good chunk of my prayers have been for my church Veritas and for our service tomorrow. I have been having conversations with a good friend about how we should pray, for what, how much...that sort of thing. And my response was pray. You can pray for what you think would be good to happen but for the most part pray for God's will to happen. Now I think this is fine to do but I had forgotten some of the other ways to pray. Then I had coffee with a wonderful friend on Tuesday. I'm not sure I can completely explain the next steps in my journey but I'll try.
I was sharing somethings that are close to my heart with her and she asked me a question. She said, "Do you ever just pray for what you want or do you always just pray for God's will to be done." and my response was, "me personally, do I pray for what I want?" And the answer was, I have in the past but not recently. God knows what I want but I think I was trying to keep it hidden.
So I did. On Thursday I poured my heart out to God. I told him what I wanted and I asked Him for what I wanted. And then I felt peace, not because I'd gotten what I wanted but because I'd told someone,I'd told God what I wanted. And then it was ok. I know He might say no, but I'm ok with that.
Nothing is magically better in my life and really not much has changed around me but I've changed. I've made a choice. I can be angry and bummed about my life. Or I can be thankful and content with my life. Now that I've told God what I want I've let it go. This is my life right here, right now and dang it I want to have fun.
So this is it. The day I'm starting afresh. Renewed in spirit and mind and heart. Making the choice; I'm gonna live my life.
A few weeks ago I hit bottom. I will suffice it to say that it involved a moment, as I was walking to the bus stop, where I fully realized how anger riddled I really was. This was followed by a emotional, honest conversation with my husband. The outcome--my understanding and acknowledging that I absolutely had to deal with my anger. This was a big step.
The time between that night and this past week are a little foggy when it comes to how I was doing with the 'dealing with my anger' but I know that God was working on me.
I have been praying a lot this past week. I am starting to take charge of some prayer stuff at church and that has led me to pray more, (go figure). Bit my prayer life has been in a rut. I have been praying (not as often as I'd like) but it has had a wooden quality to it. I felt like I was praying the right things or in the right way but not connecting to God. (Yes that would be the big wall of anger.) A lot of it had to do with me not getting what I wanted, and firmly believing that what I wanted was biblically correct. So to make the point clear it seemed like I was angry at a few people and some circumstances but really I was angry at God. Please God forgive me for my sin for I have been angry at you and my life that you gave me.
So this week I have been reading a devotional called "15 minutes with God" or something like that, reading the associated scripture and praying. A good chunk of my prayers have been for my church Veritas and for our service tomorrow. I have been having conversations with a good friend about how we should pray, for what, how much...that sort of thing. And my response was pray. You can pray for what you think would be good to happen but for the most part pray for God's will to happen. Now I think this is fine to do but I had forgotten some of the other ways to pray. Then I had coffee with a wonderful friend on Tuesday. I'm not sure I can completely explain the next steps in my journey but I'll try.
I was sharing somethings that are close to my heart with her and she asked me a question. She said, "Do you ever just pray for what you want or do you always just pray for God's will to be done." and my response was, "me personally, do I pray for what I want?" And the answer was, I have in the past but not recently. God knows what I want but I think I was trying to keep it hidden.
So I did. On Thursday I poured my heart out to God. I told him what I wanted and I asked Him for what I wanted. And then I felt peace, not because I'd gotten what I wanted but because I'd told someone,I'd told God what I wanted. And then it was ok. I know He might say no, but I'm ok with that.
Nothing is magically better in my life and really not much has changed around me but I've changed. I've made a choice. I can be angry and bummed about my life. Or I can be thankful and content with my life. Now that I've told God what I want I've let it go. This is my life right here, right now and dang it I want to have fun.
So this is it. The day I'm starting afresh. Renewed in spirit and mind and heart. Making the choice; I'm gonna live my life.
catching up
Well so I have a lot to catch up on. I have a post I want to make but to put it into the proper perspective a little scene setting is needed. Warning the scene is not so pretty.
I haven't been too happy or joyful for a while now; just not happy with my life, wanting more but not exactly sure what or how to get it. And to be completely honest not just unhappy but angry. I don't like to be angry maybe nobody does, but its especially bad when I take my anger out on the people I love the most. That's call sin. And its still sin even when I'm tired or stressed or tired and stressed. No matter how I feel, taking my anger out on someone else (unless its righteous clearing the temple anger) is wrong and requires repentance and forgiveness.
Anger gets in the way of A LOT of things. The biggest thing it gets in the way of is my relationship with Jesus. It like when I'm angry and I want to get close to God I have rope him like I would a steer, only I don't have a horse to ride and I don't really know how to throw the rope. Not much gets through the anger, especially not my heart and soul.
Now a while back I posted about being thankful and I mentioned a song "Chicken Fried." Well tonight I went to see the Zac Brown Band and they sing that song. As I was at the concert some of the last pieces came together for me. Post concert at my computer is where the next post begins.
I haven't been too happy or joyful for a while now; just not happy with my life, wanting more but not exactly sure what or how to get it. And to be completely honest not just unhappy but angry. I don't like to be angry maybe nobody does, but its especially bad when I take my anger out on the people I love the most. That's call sin. And its still sin even when I'm tired or stressed or tired and stressed. No matter how I feel, taking my anger out on someone else (unless its righteous clearing the temple anger) is wrong and requires repentance and forgiveness.
Anger gets in the way of A LOT of things. The biggest thing it gets in the way of is my relationship with Jesus. It like when I'm angry and I want to get close to God I have rope him like I would a steer, only I don't have a horse to ride and I don't really know how to throw the rope. Not much gets through the anger, especially not my heart and soul.
Now a while back I posted about being thankful and I mentioned a song "Chicken Fried." Well tonight I went to see the Zac Brown Band and they sing that song. As I was at the concert some of the last pieces came together for me. Post concert at my computer is where the next post begins.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
5 Years and learning to surrender
Zack and I will celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary on Sunday. I've been thinking on it for awhile. Its amazing to me all that has happened in those 5 years and how quickly the time has gone by. When I got married I had a vision or what I thought was a vision for Zack and I's life. Our life certainly does not look like what I pictured. I'm glad it doesn't. If everything we planned or pictured happened exactly that way how boring life would be and how little we would learn.
Much of what I have learned can't be described, but one thing God has been constantly teaching me is what trusting Him means. Trusting God is in very few ways easy for me (as I'm sure is the case with most everyone). Some use the phrase 'trust God' as a single statement that covers everything. But lately I've been realizing that trusting God is very similar to surrendering to Him; in fact, I think if you surrender everything/every part of you to Him then you trust Him. I've surrendered myself to Him many times in many ways and have to continue to do so daily. After my sister died I had to learn to surrender the rest of my family to Him and trust that He knows best. After we had Peter I had to learn to surrender Peter and entrust Peter to God. It has just been fairly recently that I've learned how to surrender and surrender completely my marriage to Him and surrender my 'plans' for my family to God. I have to trust that God has a plan not only for my life but for Zack and I as a couple and for us as a family. And I have to trust that that plan is a good one; meaning it will bring Him glory even when I can't imagine my life at the moment being glorious to anyone let alone the Creator of the universe.
Only when I trust that God is working in my life, that He has a plan and is fulfilling that plan can I be content where I am at. I have to surrender my ideas and everything else to the One who knows all and who loves me and my family more than I can imagine.
My prayer is that as I continue to live my life that I would remember how beautiful my Lord really is and how today I stand in awe of Him for all that He is and all that He has done.
Much of what I have learned can't be described, but one thing God has been constantly teaching me is what trusting Him means. Trusting God is in very few ways easy for me (as I'm sure is the case with most everyone). Some use the phrase 'trust God' as a single statement that covers everything. But lately I've been realizing that trusting God is very similar to surrendering to Him; in fact, I think if you surrender everything/every part of you to Him then you trust Him. I've surrendered myself to Him many times in many ways and have to continue to do so daily. After my sister died I had to learn to surrender the rest of my family to Him and trust that He knows best. After we had Peter I had to learn to surrender Peter and entrust Peter to God. It has just been fairly recently that I've learned how to surrender and surrender completely my marriage to Him and surrender my 'plans' for my family to God. I have to trust that God has a plan not only for my life but for Zack and I as a couple and for us as a family. And I have to trust that that plan is a good one; meaning it will bring Him glory even when I can't imagine my life at the moment being glorious to anyone let alone the Creator of the universe.
Only when I trust that God is working in my life, that He has a plan and is fulfilling that plan can I be content where I am at. I have to surrender my ideas and everything else to the One who knows all and who loves me and my family more than I can imagine.
My prayer is that as I continue to live my life that I would remember how beautiful my Lord really is and how today I stand in awe of Him for all that He is and all that He has done.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Ex-Employee
So the story begins 3 or so months ago when I learned that the project my team at Un-named Company was working on was ending/changing sooner then planned...and that it was over budget. My whole Data Quality (DQ) team (me included) were covered under this budget. So there was a few tense weeks as they decided what to do with the DQ team. They finally decided to keep us around as long as originally planned (Jun 1st). Now for a little background I was hired as a DQ temp before the project but I was moved to the project when DQ was eliminated from the business side of things...not that any of that really matters anymore.
Last Thursday I got a phone call from my supervisor and when I got to her office our HR person was also there...but I was a little slow and it took a min or so for me to get that I was losing my job. And after that, I had to go round up my team so they could be told too. Needless to say it was a shock to me. Data Quality or at least some of my job functions are necessary for the business so I never really thought they would get rid of DQ complete (read get rid of me). My team's last day was thursday. I went back on Friday to try and leave DQ in as good a place as I could so the next person could pick it up whenever they bring Data Quality back and whoever fills in in the mean time.
Some things I've learned through working for Un-named Company and leaving Un-named Company:
I love Data Quality
I'm a data geek
I'm capable of more than I thought I was
I can manage a team of people
I can have a professional relationship with people that are completely different from me
Working moms are still moms
Some things that I've re-learned while working at unsaid company
God is in control
Being joyful is a choice
Trusting God is a daily and sometimes hourly choice
Putting people in boxes is usually only helpful for the first 5 mins that you meet them
Last Thursday I got a phone call from my supervisor and when I got to her office our HR person was also there...but I was a little slow and it took a min or so for me to get that I was losing my job. And after that, I had to go round up my team so they could be told too. Needless to say it was a shock to me. Data Quality or at least some of my job functions are necessary for the business so I never really thought they would get rid of DQ complete (read get rid of me). My team's last day was thursday. I went back on Friday to try and leave DQ in as good a place as I could so the next person could pick it up whenever they bring Data Quality back and whoever fills in in the mean time.
Some things I've learned through working for Un-named Company and leaving Un-named Company:
I love Data Quality
I'm a data geek
I'm capable of more than I thought I was
I can manage a team of people
I can have a professional relationship with people that are completely different from me
Working moms are still moms
Some things that I've re-learned while working at unsaid company
God is in control
Being joyful is a choice
Trusting God is a daily and sometimes hourly choice
Putting people in boxes is usually only helpful for the first 5 mins that you meet them
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Responsible (in 4 parts)
Act 1 (enter Elizabeth late at night)
So i realized tonight that i have this built in responsibleness. Doesn't matter how i feel that night or that morning when the alarm goes off. I get up and go to work. I might hit the alarm a few times but i'll go to work. I'll go and smile and be nice and friendly and sit at my desk and do my work. Now this might sound like a really good trait. But in some cases or some days it just feels like i'm being cheated (if its out of something i'm not sure). It doesn't matter how broken i feel inside or how sad or lonely or depressed i feel i still pretend or act like everything is fine, my life is great and sure everything isn't perfect but life hardly ever is right so yeah on i go being responsible, dependable and strong.
But i just don't feel that way all the time. I feel hopeless some days. Like today, today seems like a day to be happy. I had another conversation about Christianity and Christ and faith with a co-worker today, i got to read a good book, i got to spend some time with my hubby. i should be in bed sleeping contentedly not only because i'm sleep deprived but because all in all it was a good day.
My life's not horrible right now I've got some really good things going for me. I should just be happy where i'm at. But i feel like i'm living a luke warm life in a lot of ways.
Act 2 (enter battling thoughts)
So there are many warring thought within me. I'll list them for you.
1. I've supposed to be content where i am.
2. Get over it the world doesn't revolve around me.
3.Saying all this will make the people around me feel insufficient but really i don't think it has anything to do with them.
I just think its me.
4. But i'm not that special so i need get over to get over myself.
Act 3 (enter awareness of God)
And then, the solution that i know in my heart, which in the end i always come back to is there.
Christ can be my all, can be my everything but only if i let Him. And the synical part of me is like of course this is the answer. But you don't really want to take it, which is just dumb. But i'm always going in the same circle. I'm with God and walking with him on a daily basis and then i drift away. And then i get hopeless and depressed and find my way back to Him. And He accepts me and forgives me and welcomes me and comforts me. But then after a while i drift away again and then i get to the bottom of the pit and then i reach again for the light. And the cycle continues. Only i never feel like i make any head way. I've always trodding in the same path. And even though i know its not all about me--that the world is a much bigger place and i'm just a servant of God--it feels all about me. After all this cycle that i'm in where does it go; me, God, me, God, me, God, me, God. Is there every anyone else in the picture anyone i lift up or do i just drag down.
Act 4 (exit Satan)
This is a really depressing post. So i think we're done now. And i may not be a shining star but at least i'm not throwing myself a pity party any more. Ha so there Satan take that.
The End
So i realized tonight that i have this built in responsibleness. Doesn't matter how i feel that night or that morning when the alarm goes off. I get up and go to work. I might hit the alarm a few times but i'll go to work. I'll go and smile and be nice and friendly and sit at my desk and do my work. Now this might sound like a really good trait. But in some cases or some days it just feels like i'm being cheated (if its out of something i'm not sure). It doesn't matter how broken i feel inside or how sad or lonely or depressed i feel i still pretend or act like everything is fine, my life is great and sure everything isn't perfect but life hardly ever is right so yeah on i go being responsible, dependable and strong.
But i just don't feel that way all the time. I feel hopeless some days. Like today, today seems like a day to be happy. I had another conversation about Christianity and Christ and faith with a co-worker today, i got to read a good book, i got to spend some time with my hubby. i should be in bed sleeping contentedly not only because i'm sleep deprived but because all in all it was a good day.
My life's not horrible right now I've got some really good things going for me. I should just be happy where i'm at. But i feel like i'm living a luke warm life in a lot of ways.
Act 2 (enter battling thoughts)
So there are many warring thought within me. I'll list them for you.
1. I've supposed to be content where i am.
2. Get over it the world doesn't revolve around me.
3.Saying all this will make the people around me feel insufficient but really i don't think it has anything to do with them.
I just think its me.
4. But i'm not that special so i need get over to get over myself.
Act 3 (enter awareness of God)
And then, the solution that i know in my heart, which in the end i always come back to is there.
Christ can be my all, can be my everything but only if i let Him. And the synical part of me is like of course this is the answer. But you don't really want to take it, which is just dumb. But i'm always going in the same circle. I'm with God and walking with him on a daily basis and then i drift away. And then i get hopeless and depressed and find my way back to Him. And He accepts me and forgives me and welcomes me and comforts me. But then after a while i drift away again and then i get to the bottom of the pit and then i reach again for the light. And the cycle continues. Only i never feel like i make any head way. I've always trodding in the same path. And even though i know its not all about me--that the world is a much bigger place and i'm just a servant of God--it feels all about me. After all this cycle that i'm in where does it go; me, God, me, God, me, God, me, God. Is there every anyone else in the picture anyone i lift up or do i just drag down.
Act 4 (exit Satan)
This is a really depressing post. So i think we're done now. And i may not be a shining star but at least i'm not throwing myself a pity party any more. Ha so there Satan take that.
The End
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