Honest talk

(Make sure you've read the previous post before you read this one.)

A few weeks ago I hit bottom. I will suffice it to say that it involved a moment, as I was walking to the bus stop, where I fully realized how anger riddled I really was. This was followed by a emotional, honest conversation with my husband. The outcome--my understanding and acknowledging that I absolutely had to deal with my anger. This was a big step.

The time between that night and this past week are a little foggy when it comes to how I was doing with the 'dealing with my anger' but I know that God was working on me.

I have been praying a lot this past week. I am starting to take charge of some prayer stuff at church and that has led me to pray more, (go figure). Bit my prayer life has been in a rut. I have been praying (not as often as I'd like) but it has had a wooden quality to it. I felt like I was praying the right things or in the right way but not connecting to God. (Yes that would be the big wall of anger.) A lot of it had to do with me not getting what I wanted, and firmly believing that what I wanted was biblically correct. So to make the point clear it seemed like I was angry at a few people and some circumstances but really I was angry at God. Please God forgive me for my sin for I have been angry at you and my life that you gave me.

So this week I have been reading a devotional called "15 minutes with God" or something like that, reading the associated scripture and praying. A good chunk of my prayers have been for my church Veritas and for our service tomorrow. I have been having conversations with a good friend about how we should pray, for what, how much...that sort of thing. And my response was pray. You can pray for what you think would be good to happen but for the most part pray for God's will to happen. Now I think this is fine to do but I had forgotten some of the other ways to pray. Then I had coffee with a wonderful friend on Tuesday. I'm not sure I can completely explain the next steps in my journey but I'll try.

I was sharing somethings that are close to my heart with her and she asked me a question. She said, "Do you ever just pray for what you want or do you always just pray for God's will to be done." and my response was, "me personally, do I pray for what I want?" And the answer was, I have in the past but not recently. God knows what I want but I think I was trying to keep it hidden.

So I did. On Thursday I poured my heart out to God. I told him what I wanted and I asked Him for what I wanted. And then I felt peace, not because I'd gotten what I wanted but because I'd told someone,I'd told God what I wanted. And then it was ok. I know He might say no, but I'm ok with that.

Nothing is magically better in my life and really not much has changed around me but I've changed. I've made a choice. I can be angry and bummed about my life. Or I can be thankful and content with my life. Now that I've told God what I want I've let it go. This is my life right here, right now and dang it I want to have fun.

So this is it. The day I'm starting afresh. Renewed in spirit and mind and heart. Making the choice; I'm gonna live my life.

catching up

Well so I have a lot to catch up on. I have a post I want to make but to put it into the proper perspective a little scene setting is needed. Warning the scene is not so pretty.

I haven't been too happy or joyful for a while now; just not happy with my life, wanting more but not exactly sure what or how to get it. And to be completely honest not just unhappy but angry. I don't like to be angry maybe nobody does, but its especially bad when I take my anger out on the people I love the most. That's call sin. And its still sin even when I'm tired or stressed or tired and stressed. No matter how I feel, taking my anger out on someone else (unless its righteous clearing the temple anger) is wrong and requires repentance and forgiveness.

Anger gets in the way of A LOT of things. The biggest thing it gets in the way of is my relationship with Jesus. It like when I'm angry and I want to get close to God I have rope him like I would a steer, only I don't have a horse to ride and I don't really know how to throw the rope. Not much gets through the anger, especially not my heart and soul.

Now a while back I posted about being thankful and I mentioned a song "Chicken Fried." Well tonight I went to see the Zac Brown Band and they sing that song. As I was at the concert some of the last pieces came together for me. Post concert at my computer is where the next post begins.